


The Art of Losing

by delishe



Category: Young Justice (Cartoon)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-06
Updated: 2018-01-06
Packaged: 2019-03-01 05:45:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 27,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13288236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/delishe/pseuds/delishe
Summary: Artemis finds everything, loses it, and learns to build it up again.





	1. Chapter 1

**Part One**

When he and Barbara were little – well, not that little, about ten or so, but he was so tiny then – they wrote letters to each other and placed them in a time capsule, together with some photographs and things, which they buried in a corner of Wayne Manor's garden. That's how he gets the idea, at Jason's funeral, watching Artemis lean on Wally's shoulder, a faraway look in her eyes: they'd each write two letters, one each to the other members of the trio, to be read in the event one of them passed away.

He can tell that Artemis and Wally are at least a little unwilling to commit to such a blatant admittance of their mortality, but Jason's death has taken a toll on all of them, and the letters are written. They hide the six envelopes together in the second drawer of Artemis' desk in the cave, under a false base.

Dick Grayson is nineteen when his younger brother dies. He is twenty when he attends the funeral of his best friend.

\---

By the time Dick was fifteen, he was extremely good at a lot of things most fifteen-year-old boys were not particularly adept at, martial arts, acrobatics, computer hacking – if there was an obscure talent out there, Dick Grayson possessed it. What he was not so adept at was having a younger brother. When they first talked about adopting Jason, Dick was all for the idea, but he couldn't help but wonder what it would mean. He'd never had a sibling before, and he'd heard about first-child syndrome and how difficult it was having to share parents and all that. Not to mention straight-off-the-streets Jason was vicious and rude and snappy and extremely eager to prove himself. Dick always swore Jason was trying to kill him when Bruce pitted them against each other in hand-to-hand combat. Later, when he and Jason were on better terms, Jason admitted to it.

But he did learn to be a – dare he say so himself – completely _asterous_ bigger brother, and before long, he could not imagine life without a younger brother. Theirs was a brotherhood forged through long hours training together, watching movies in the Batcave with a bucket of popcorn, helping Alfred bake his amazing cookies and attempting to prank Bruce on April Fool's Day. By the time Dick proudly trotted out Jason, newly decked out in Robin attire, to the team, they were pretty much best friends.

"Really, Nightwing, when you told me there was going to be a new Robin, I was hoping there would be a reprisal of your old costume," Artemis said, grinning at her friend.

"Not a chance in the world," Jason said, shuddering, before Dick could even open his mouth. "No one quite pulls off the green panties like Nightwing. He's the only one with the legs for it."

"Yeah," Artemis grinned at Jason. "And we all know why…"

"Because _he's an acrobat_ ," they said in unison, then burst out laughing.

"Really, guys? It's not that funny," he protested, but could barely suppress his smile. Huh – Jason and Artemis. Now that he thought about it, they _would_ get along famously.

\---

Artemis finished school relatively early on Wednesday afternoons, and almost always made her way to the Cave's training room right after school to put in an hour or two of solo practice with her bow. It was her favourite training slot because the training room was usually empty. Some happy alignment of her teammates' schedules and the will of God allowed her to have a good session she could concentrate perfectly at.

She was surprised, and mildly annoyed, to find that the training room was already occupied by the team's newest Robin, doing some very impressive flips on the steady rings. He beamed when he saw her, but his smile was nothing like Dick's friendly one. Instead, there was something about his every expression that was laced in mischief and cockiness.

"Hello, Artemis," he said, as he dismounted and landed perfectly in front of her.

"Hey, um – Robin," Artemis said, remembering she did not know this Robin's real name.

"It's Jason," the younger boy said, and shrugged at her look of surprise, "hey, I figured, since you know Nightwing's identity, why not, right?"

"Right," Artemis said, suppressing a laugh. She'd liked Jason from his introduction, but he was turning out to be even more entertaining than she'd expected. "Well, I'm Artemis Crock."

She fidgeted a little, not sure how to tell the newest member of the team she'd meant to put in some hours of serious training without sounding impolite, but luckily, Jason seemed to get the hint. "Well, I'm sure you came here to train, so I'll let you be. I've got some moves to perfect before Dick "I'm-an-acrobat" Grayson gets all high and mighty at our next training," Jason gave a mock curtsey, and delved back into his training.

Artemis laughed, grateful the new kid wasn't the persistent tagging-along type. She was good with kids – something many would not expect of someone so acerbic – but not when they interrupted her training time. Quickly forgetting the kid, she took out her crossbow and became so engrossed in her training she almost jumped when she turned around two hours later to find Jason, grinning at her, an extra bottle of water in hand.

"Whoa! Didn't see you there," Artemis said, startled, before accepting the bottle.

"Sorry. I can't help creeping up on people these days, y'know, bad influence and all," Jason said conversationally. "So, I hear your entire family is basically made up of assassins."

Artemis lowered her bottle and gave Jason a look. He tried to keep his expression innocent, but it was clear he was dying to see her reaction. "Did Dick tell you that?" Artemis said carefully.

"In a manner of speaking," Jason replied, "He taught me how to hack the databases."

Artemis laughed, "Oh, and you decided to check up your entire team?"

"Nah, I was going to check up on the entire team, but I started with you, and your file was just too interesting I ended up spending a long time there," Jason grinned at her toothily.

"Riiiight," Artemis felt mildly amused. She'd outgrown being insecure about her family background years ago. It was not something she enjoyed talking about, but at least Jason was asking her with some sort of curiosity, rather than blatant pity, or suspicion. "And to answer your question, yes, my family is basically made up of assassins. Though my mom is more of an ex-con and my sister has something like a friends-with-benefits relationship with crime."

"Hmm," Jason said, and Artemis prepared herself for a long interrogation. Jason, it seemed, did not really pull any stops with the probing questions. He surprised her. "Well, I bet you've learnt some great moves from them. Wanna spar?"

She and Jason took to training together every Wednesday, and sparring after they'd finished their individual training sessions. She helped him with his homework, from time to time, though Jason, being a Robin, was excellent at his studies, though he frequently got in trouble for alternately being disrespectful or falling asleep in class. The others did not particularly mind this new dynamic in their team. After all, anyone could see Jason and Artemis got along well, and while Artemis was comfortable with the rest of the team, many of them were still unsure how to deal with a consistently snarky kid that often overstepped the boundaries.

"So," Wally said, cutting to the chase as usual, as they helped M'gann prepare hot chocolate for the team after a tough mission. "What's up with you and Jason?"

Artemis rolled her eyes, "Jeez, West. You can't seriously be jealous of a twelve-year-old kid."

"Hey, who's jealous?" Wally said defensively. "Can't a boyfriend casually ask about the kid his girlfriend spends way too much time sparring with?"

"There is no such thing as too much sparring," Artemis said seriously, before relenting, "Look, Wally, Jason's new to the team. And we both don't have powers. I'm helping him out. Besides, we get along 'cos we're similar."

"You're not similar," Wally seemed horrified that his girlfriend could ever be like a thirteen-year-old loudmouth, "I mean, he's arrogant – "

"Caustic, defensive, secretly nice…" Artemis trailed off, "Wally, do you have a problem with me hanging out with Jason?"

Wally sighed. "I don't. I mean, I'm not the kid's biggest fan – he mouths off way too much – but I guess I'm glad you two are friends?" Wally looked away from her to focus intently on the mug of hot chocolate he was stirring. "It's kinda like when Zatanna joined the team."

"What does Zee have to do with it?" Artemis looked confused.

"Well, she was _like you_ , you know, the kind of girl who would talk back and speak her mind. I mean, M'gann and Robin are so cheerful they're like fountains of rainbows and cotton candy. Kaldur and Conner can be pre-tty stoic, and well, there was me, so having Zee around made you… a lot happier," Wally shrugged. "I guess I liked that, even if we were pretending to hate each other then. And I like it now, that having Jason around makes you happy."

\---

Most Wednesdays, Artemis would enter the training room to the sound of Jason practicing on the parallel bars or still rings. While Dick could do his acrobatic routines without even thinking or concentrating, it was clear Jason had only learnt the art later in his childhood. All the same, Jason was outstanding, and Artemis liked watching Jason practice while she readied her bow and arrows.

Today, Jason had set up a punching bag and was pummelling it with a frightening amount of gusto, and Artemis was speaking as someone who regularly witnessed Superboy go on his crazed, destructive rampages.

While Jason was friendly to her, Artemis knew well enough that he was no sunshine-and-rainbows kid. He was often filled with a sort of anger she figured was inexplicable even to him, partially from being a teenager, she supposed, and partially from his troubled upbringing. In many ways, it reminded her of how she would sometimes lash out at others verbally when she was younger, and so much more insecure. But this, this furiousness with which Jason was slamming his fists into the punching bag, it was more than a teenager's temper tantrum.

"Jason?" she called out cautiously, leaving her bow and quiver on a bench. She approached the boy, who continued punching at the bag, ignoring her. She touched him and the shoulder, and was quickly shrugged off.

"Jason, you should stop. You're going to hurt yourself," she tried to keep her voice calm yet forceful, but really, he was beginning to frighten her. She clasped each hand on one of his shoulders. "Jason."

He stopped, breathing heavily, and Artemis registered that he was shaking. He shrugged her hands off again and walked away to pick up his water bottle. He was still not looking at her when he sat down, still quietly fuming, on the bench where she had left her bow.

She sat next to him. "You should probably train," Jason told her gruffly, "Sorry for distracting you."

"I'm not going to train until I make sure you're alright, Jase."

"I'm fine," he said testily.

Artemis wanted to get up, pat him on the shoulder, pick up her bow, and train. There was nothing about this situation that was familiar to her. She could disarm fully-grown men, speak five languages and on occasion, entertain a bunch of toddlers, but dealing with a kid's deep-rooted anger? She simply did not know what to do, and Artemis did not deal well with situations where she was completely clueless. But this was Jason. Her sparring partner, the kid who always had her back on missions, who stayed up late chatting with her about the finer points of street fighting.

"Your father," Jason said abruptly, startling Artemis out of her reverie, "Did he make you do anything? Anything bad?"

It was something only Black Canary had asked her about before, when she had noticed how Artemis' fighting style could veer towards the ruthless if she was under pressure. Even Green Arrow skirted around the issue when they were training. "He was training me to be an assassin," Artemis explained, "He gave me these… tests. At first, I had to take out opponents, seriously injure them or I had no chance of getting out of it alive. I never knew if they even deserved what I did to them. But he made me. When I got older he tried to teach me how to kill."

"Did you?" Jason's voice was quiet, and Artemis was acutely aware of how intently he was staring at her.

"No," she said, remembering the nights she spent confined in her room without food because of her defiance. "I refused to. I'd knock the guy out and run for it. Dad said he wouldn't get me until I killed the guy, but I always found my own way back. Maybe he made it easy for me, secretly." She shrugged. "Or maybe I was just resourceful."

"You're a good person, Artemis," Jason said, smiling at her so sweetly it could break her heart. She wondered how he would've turned out, how the two of them would've turned out, if they had been siblings and born to a normal family like Wally's.

"So are you, Jase," she told him, and he stiffened immediately. "Come on, Jason. What's wrong?"

He stayed silent for so long it seemed like he wasn't going to tell her, until he finally said, "I'm not like Dick or Tim or anything. They're just so… good. I'm just angry all the time. That's why Batman took me in. He thought if he didn't, I'd be some terrible criminal. And that's the thing: he's right. You know how he found me? I was stealing the tires of the Batmobile, 'Mis. And I used to – to fight. People thought I was just a kid, so they could take me. But I'd get mad, and I had a knife-"

"You were doing what you had to do to stay alive, Jason," Artemis said. She tried to keep her voice gentle, but she knew he wouldn’t be convinced. She had spent years trying to come to terms with the things her father had her do, wondering just how much choice she had in it.

"I know. But what if it's still in me? What if I'll always be a criminal, and it can't be washed out?"

She wanted to tell him so badly what had taken her years to learn, how it had been mission after countless mission before she felt like a real hero, a hero that earned her place. But they were not things that could be told; he had to learn them for himself. "Jason, your past made you who you are. You aren't like Dick or Tim, but that doesn't matter. I wouldn't be this good with a bow if I didn't have a homicidal father training me to kill fourteen hours a day. And you wouldn't be so tough or resourceful if you didn't make your own way on the streets of Gotham," Artemis said, getting a small smile out of the boy. "And I'm sure you know Batman better than I do. He wouldn't have picked you if he didn't believe you would be a great hero."

Jason was quiet. "I messed up during patrol. I shattered this guy's collarbone. I thought he deserved it, but we needed him to talk. We ended up fighting about it. I was so pissed off I just stormed to my room," he choked up. "Dick came to talk to me. He explained that Batman was tough on us because it was a tough business – all that usual stuff. He was nice about it. But then _Batman_ , he came and talked to me. Apologised for shouting. We made up, but I just felt really… undeserving."

"Most kids never deserve exactly what their parents give them," Artemis said wryly, thinking of her mother. "That's what makes parents so awesome."

"Yeah," Jason agreed. "Thanks, 'Mis. For listening. I mean, Dick and Tim are great, but I'd pick you any day. I wish you were my sister."

"You don't mean that. Without Dick, who'd teach you to hack into top-secret files?" Artemis joked, but smiled warmly at Jason. _I wish you were my brother too, instead of a sister that abandoned me when I needed her most_ , she wanted to say. "But I'd totally adopt you as my younger brother. No kidding."

"Really?" Jason sounded mischievous. "You'd pick me over Dick?"

"Wellllll," Artemis pretended to consider, "You _are_ a lot cuter, now Dick's gone and grown ten inches overnight."

“And I don’t wear panties.” Jason's grin, usually so smug, was playful, but happy. "Thanks… Sis."

\---

Artemis was preparing for a long night of cramming for a biology exam when a face appeared outside her window, making her jump and spill grape juice over her notepad.

Snarling, she pushed the window open and glared at the very aptly named Dick Grayson, who simply beamed at her. "What is your problem?!"

"Just felt like dropping in," Dick quipped, grinning. Before she knew it, Dick had somehow propelled himself through the window and stood, cheerfully, by her desk.

"Haha, you're a walking cliché," Artemis rolled her eyes.

"Artemis?" her mom called, knocking on her door. "Is everything alright? I heard voices."

Before Artemis could think of a plausible excuse, Dick had already opened her bedroom door and was grinning at her mother, exuding charm. "Hello, Mrs. Crock! I just had something to ask Artemis. Sorry to bother you late at night."

Her mother smiled widely at Dick. The former-assassin had met Dick before, and was helpless against his smooth charisma. "Oh, no trouble at all. Though you really must come in by the door next time, Dick!" Her mother gave her a firm look. "I'll leave you two alone, but door stays open, Artemis."

"You have to leave the door open?" Dick asked, grinning, once her mother was out of earshot. "What are you, fourteen?"

Artemis rolled her eyes again. "No, just that my mother rather likes Wally and would prefer I not cheat on him, is all."

Dick snorted. "Pfft. She knows Wally and I are best friends, right?"

"Everyone knows about your bromance, Dick," Artemis sat down on her swivel chair. "Anyway, get to the point. To what do I owe this honour? Because I've got some serious studying to do."

"Biology test? Jeez, 'Mis, we both know you know that stuff backwards and forwards. You'd do much better for the test if you just got a good night's sleep," Dick said, eyeing the thick biology textbook which lay abandoned on her desk.

"To. The. Point. Grayson."

He grinned. "Well, my younger brother had two brothers until quite recently. I hear he's acquired an older sister. Might you have anything to do with that?"

"This is about Jason? Jeez, Grayson, you know the kid and I are alike. He _is_ like a little brother to me. There's no harm in it."

"'Course there isn't! Just wanted to, well, thank you, I guess. Jason was really upset, and nothing Tim or I did or said would help. But you helped," Dick explained, his voice sincere. "As a big brother… I'm grateful."

"Oh." That was a surprise. "Well, you're welcome, I guess. A simple text message would have sufficed, though. Or you could've waited for school tomorrow."

"These visits are so much more sincere," he smiled at her, before cackling his creepy Robin cackle that Artemis had been hearing less and less since he became Nightwing.

She picked up a pen from her table and twirled it expertly. "I do really care about Jason, Dick. Jade was a great sister to me… before she left. And I never understood why she had to then, but I do now. All the same, I guess I want to be like an older sister to someone. Help them the way Jade always helped me, when we were kids." Artemis looked away. "I just wanna do right by Jason."

Dick blinked. He opened his mouth, hoping for eloquence, but nothing came out.

Artemis turned back to him and smiled tentatively, and he forced himself to smile back. "I'm glad," he said, and while his voice was earnest and enthusiastic, he knew he had to leave soon or she would notice something was wrong. "Anyway, as much as I'm enjoying myself here, I do have patrol to return to, and you have a test to study for. Bye, 'Mis!"

She rolled her eyes, but granted him a smile. "Bye, Dick."

He had escaped from so many buildings he didn't have to think before he found himself swinging from building to building like he did every patrol. What was wrong with him?

For a short period of time after Artemis had first joined the team, he had been the one that known the most about her, simply because of his hacking skills that had given him privy to the family background she tried so badly to protect. After she revealed to her past to the team, she had become much more open, talking about her family from time to time, inviting the team over for tea ever so often. But her tone was so often light hearted, or sarcastic, or witty. She was so rarely earnest, or anything even close to comfortable with talking about her feelings.

He was one of her closest friends, he knew, probably the only one comfortable enough to climb in her window in the middle of the night unannounced, anyway. But he so rarely saw her as simply Artemis. Not a tough, biting heroine, not a valuable team mate and extraordinary archer, just… a person. He no longer knew the most about her – shouldn’t that be okay? Why did he want to know more?

When he got back home, he downloaded the picture of them, from her first day at Gotham Academy, onto his wrist computer. He did not know why yet.

\---

"I need to talk about Wally," Artemis said abruptly, twisting her hands together nervously, as she walked in and found Dick sitting calmly in the Cave kitchen, tinkering with his wrist-computer with a screwdriver.

_I'm not ready for this_ , he thought involuntarily, but he set the screwdriver down anyway. "I'm all ears, 'Mis. What did the Wall-Man do this time?"

"Well - it was actually - me. He - " She bit her lip, and rolled her eyes. "This is dumb, I'm making a big deal out of nothing."

"Doesn't sound like nothing if you're resorting to getting romance advice from fifteen-year-olds," Dick said cheerfully. "Spit it out, spitfire."

Artemis scowled at him, and ran a hand through her damp hair. "Fine. Wally said he loved me. And I couldn't say it back."

Dick blinked, waiting for her to continue, but she looked at him with equally expectant eyes. "Oh. Uh - he was upset at you?"

"No - not yet. He was understanding about it. He knows I have issues with this sorta thing. But he wants to hear it back and I don't know how to tell him."

"What did you tell him? After he said it."

Artemis laughed darkly. "I said, 'I know,' like in that Star Wars movie he made us watch. It wasn't what he wanted to hear but at least it was _nerdy_ which I suppose to him is the next best thing. But I could tell he wants me to say it back, he can't keep any of his feelings off his face, anyone can read him like a book."

It was true, Dick had known Wally for years and the boy was awful at concealing his emotions, and Dick wasn't speaking just as a Bat. "Well," Dick said carefully, "Maybe you don't have to say it if it makes you so uncomfortable. You could show him - I don't know, do nice things for him, get to know his family better - I'm sure he'll understand." Dick proceeded to burst out into the first few bars of Extreme's _More Than Words_ , and while Artemis had always said he could potentially be the lead singer of a boy-band, she merely folded her arms and glared at him. He finished the verse with a cheesy grin, not wanting to test her patience.

"It's not that, Wally knows I love him. It's just something you have to say. The importance of saying "I love you" that first time is ridiculously conflated in modern society, even if we both know innately we love each other, we still have to say it aloud! It's some ridiculous relationship milestone, and utterly pointless in my opinion, but it's important because – because he deserves someone who can freaking get those words out, in context, meaningfully, and I. Can't." Artemis was rambling now, and he imagined if she were somewhat more prone to melodramatics she would be waving her arms around in the air desperately. "I should know how important it is to say it aloud," she said finally. "After all, before him, no one ever – "

"I love you," he interrupted, and she looked up at him, blinking. "You know, not in a Wally sort of way. But you're like a sister to me, and I love you a lot. See – it doesn't have to be like a moment of ridiculous neediness and intensity. It can be totally out-tense." He beamed, like he was wont to whenever he created a new word.

She smiled wryly. "I – I love you too, Boy Wonder."

"See? Totally asterous. Telling Wally you love him isn't going to make you the only thing he lives for and he isn't going to follow you around everywhere and depend on you forever for emotional support. He's well adjusted, you know that. All it's going to do is make you feel better for saying it, and make him extremely happy, and then you get to feel happy for making him happy."

"You're oversimplifying," she argued, though she sounded slightly persuaded.

"Maybe you're over-complicating. Look – it's a big step and all, and I know it's hard for you, but if you feel you're ready, then really, you shouldn't stop yourself."

"I'm starving," Wally announced, as he ran into the room and skidded to a stop in front of the fridge. Artemis and Dick stared at each other for a moment, sharing a look that transmitted volumes of information. Finally, Dick stood up and did the exact opposite of what Artemis had tried to tell him not to do with her eyes.

"Well, I'll just leave you two alone," Dick's voice was way too cheerful, "You've got some talking to do, after all."

"Dick-!"

By now, Wally had lain out some bread, ham and peanut butter on the kitchen counter. How anyone could mix ham and peanut butter together was a mystery to her, but Artemis suspected her boyfriend was going to make a multi-layered sandwich. "What's he talking about?" Wally asked, looking confused. "Some talking…?"

Artemis looked helplessly at the door Dick had disappeared out of. "Dick's right," she said finally, looking at Wally, "I do have something to say to you."

Wally froze, his sandwich halfway from his mouth and his expression an odd mix of dread and abject horror. "Oh. Well… What?"

_Oh God, he thinks I'm breaking up with him, say something, quick!_ "My grandmother loved me," Artemis blurted out. _Well, not that_. Wally looked confused, sandwich still poised a distance from his mouth. "I mean, well, she used to. Before she got dementia, and couldn't recognize me anymore, but well. She loved me." _Great, Artemis, you're rambling, nothing good ever comes out of your rambling_.

Wally cautiously took a bite of his sandwich, chewing slowly, clearly waiting for her to continue. When she didn't, he said, after swallowing audibly, "What was she like? Your grandmother - I'm trying to picture her."

"She was my paternal grandmother, small-time criminal, gave my dad most of his training. Trained me when my parents were away on the job. She wasn't big or imposing, but she commanded respect. She – she had long white hair and always sat ramrod straight, made my sister and I do the same. My dad used to tell me that she loved me."

"That doesn't sound like a bad thing," Wally pointed out, "It even seems oddly nice of him."

"Except he used to say it like he was jealous, or something. He told me that she'd never loved anyone in her life, not even him, but she loved me. And he made it seem like… he didn't even know why. I didn't even know why. I mean, I sorta looked like her, back in the old days, but I wasn't like her. She took no one's crap; I had stuffed animals. I didn't get why she would praise me but never Jade, or why she would tuck me into bed when I missed my parents, or why she got me my first bow…" Artemis trailed off, not sure where she was going. "It was stressful. I didn't know what I was doing right, or what I had to keep doing so she wouldn't realize she was stupid for loving me. When she started forgetting me, it's terrible, but it was easier. She didn't love me anymore, so the pressure went away."

Artemis bit her lip. "I still visit her. My dad dumped her in some care centre. I'm the only one who does – she hates my mom, and I'll bet Jade doesn't even know where she is."

Wally looked at a loss for words. "That was… I'm glad you told me, Artemis," he said, though he seemed confused.

"I know you're wondering if it had any relation to what, um, what you told me last week." The look on his face demonstrated she was right. "It's just, in my family, we never said 'I love you', so all I had was this inexplicable love that made me so confused. I guess, this is my way of saying that I don't understand the first thing about loving or being loved, and definitely expressing it, and it's so strange and terrifying and I keep wondering why -" she cut off, not wanting to go there, and thought about what Dick had said to her. "But I don't want that to be my life. So… I love you."

And then he was hugging her, and she found herself laughing into the soft red material of his hoodie. Laughing. How odd that she would feel so giddy after the most impromptu speech of her life, and that would include the time she totally forgot her Literature Oral Report on Lolita was due and make up her ridiculous analyses on the spot – Dick didn't stop sniggering the entire time.

"Wow," he said into her hair, "If I'd known you'd make a whole speech I would've written one too. I would've even worked in a science metaphor or two – maybe something about the moon and the tides as a reference to your name…"

"Right, lunacy," she said, laughing, "fitting."

He let go of her eventually, to finish his sandwich, of course, but he didn't stop grinning for the rest of the night.

\---

In the corridor, leaning against the wall, Dick fought down the uncomfortable feeling that clenched his heart. She hadn't told him the story about her grandmother. It seemed a stupid thing to get upset over, but it gnawed at him all the same. He was jealous. As her best friend, he got her problems, but not her stories, the ones that gave people a window into her brilliant complexity. Stories that, he realized, had to be earned, and that he would never be able to deserve.

"Dude, I know it sounds dumb," Wally said, between mouthfuls of popcorn, "But I really think I'm gonna marry Artemis someday." A football game blared on the television, but neither of them was really paying much attention.

Dick nearly choked on his popcorn. Wally glanced at him.

"Sorry. I guess that was really sudden," Wally shrugged, "It's just… I have a good feeling about this whole thing. Even if we're seventeen, and everyone says no one lasts past high school."

"Just trying to picture you married, dude," Dick made a face, and if his voice sounded unconvincing Wally did not notice.

"Yeah, hard to imagine the Wall-man tied down so early, huh," Wally laughed. "So how are things going with you and Zee?"

\---

M'gann and Conner were out, probably on a date, or so Dick figured from the absence of the bioship in the dock and the emptiness of the kitchen. Wally and Artemis, he knew, were doing a summer internship at some research institute. Kaldur was at Atlantis with Raquel, and Zatanna – well, he didn't know where she was, naturally – and Red Tornado had Watchtower duty. He pretty much had the place all to himself, which was exactly what he had intended. After all, the only person he wanted to talk to at the moment was studying protein structure and folding while her boyfriend investigated neurological disorders in mice.

He settled down on the couch and picked up the remote. He had originally come to the cave to make use of the training facilities, but now, he just didn't feel like moving.

"Artemis, B07," a female voice said in his ear, mimicking the cave computer.

Any other person would have jumped, but not the Boy Wonder. He whirled around to find Artemis grinning at him widely. "Artemis?" he beamed back at her, surprised but glad, and feeling like the world had decided to be kind to him for once this week. "Shouldn't you be at your internship?"

"Oh, we were supposed to be updating our mentors on our progress, and I finished early. Wally, on the other hand, had some mice-related problems that I'd rather not go into," she made a face, "That, and I had breakfast with Zatanna this morning and she let me into some gossip…"

Right. "Sorry I didn't tell you," Dick grimaced. "How is she doing, by the way?"

Artemis looked sympathetic. "Well, Zee's a tough girl. She's handling it. Of course, all the practice helped – I mean, this _is_ your third breakup since you guys first got together."

Dick laughed despite himself. "The last time," he promised.

Artemis hummed a few bars of _We Are Never, Ever Getting Back Together_ as she settled next to him on the couch. "How about you?" she asked, elbowing him. "Doing okay?"

"Trying to stay whelmed, I guess," Dick said, putting his feet up on the coffee table. "Zatanna and I are better off as friends. Maybe we're too similar to actually be together. Or similar in the wrong ways." He imagined, involuntarily, a girl with long blonde hair and calloused hands lacing her fingers with his, and immediately dug his fingernails into his palm.

Artemis fought to urge to ruffle his hair. "It really is hard to believe you're fifteen sometimes," she said, fondness in her voice. "It's good that you and Zatanna gave it a shot… so many shots, really. Maybe it was just a mistake that had to be made so you could decide you really should just be friends, and move on."

Dick forced himself to smile gratefully. "Yeah. Thanks, 'Mis."

"Anyway, I know what'll distract you best," Artemis declared, "I hear the circus is in town."

"In Happy Harbour?" Dick looked surprised. He would've heard about that!

"Nope, New York City, actually. I checked – if we zeta now, we can make good time," she announced, getting off the couch and stretching lazily.

He grinned, genuinely this time. "You're the best."

\---

"Hey Jason," Wally said as he zipped into the kitchen in search of a snack. The new Boy Wonder looked up from his homework with an expression of distaste as Wally rushed past him, messing up his hair.

"Hey Wall-man," Jason responded, trying and failing to keep his annoyance from leaking into his voice. "You really as good at Physics as Artemis says you are?"

"Probably better, knowing Artemis," Wally said between mouthfuls of a granola bar. He ran from the fridge over to where Jason was pulling his hair out and glanced over his shoulder.

"I've been at this stupid problem for twenty minutes," Jason complained. He seemed seconds away from a tantrum. "Thermodynamics is a bitch."

"Oh, you're fine. You just didn't convert the units here," Wally pointed out, "The rest of your working is right."

"What-?" Jason examined his working again, this time realizing his error. "Oh GOD. Thanks, Wall-man. You're really not that bad."

Wally rolled his eyes. "No problem, kid."

\---

"I have a problem," Dick said, as he sat opposite Barbara. She looked up from her Calculus textbook, which she was, let's face it, barely reading anyway.

"What happened?" Barbara raised an eyebrow.

"I broke up with Zatanna – no, that's not the problem!" Dick added hurriedly, upon seeing Barbara's expression.

"Yeah, you've both been thinking about it for weeks, I'd have thought that was the _solution_ ," Barbara pointed out. "So, what's up? You're making me worried."

There was no way about it other than to spit it out. "IthinkI'minlovewithArtemis."

Barbara blinked. "Artemis," she said carefully.

"Yeah."

"Our _friend_ , Artemis."

"That's the one."

"In other words, your best friend's girlfriend, and one of your closest friends."

"I think you see why this is a problem," Dick groaned, pinching his nose bridge.

"I think it was a severe understatement when you called it a 'problem'," Barbara said dryly. "Dick, I thought she was like a sister to you."

"That's what I thought! But Barb – _you're_ like a sister to me. Wally's my best friend, and Zee, well, she's a great friend at most. Artemis is… different," Dick tried to explain, as Barbara looked on in concern. "She's… I can't get over her. I keep trying to, but I can't."

"Have you considered telling her?" Barbara suggested, "Maybe it would help to get it off your mind."

Dick shook his head. "I can't. She can't know, not while she's with Wally, anyway. Even if I get it off my mind, Artemis would worry about it. It could change everything."

“Well then,” Barbara said, unhelpfully, “It’s probably going to remain a problem for awhile.”

\---

"You sure the League's not going to mind that we used the zeta tubes to visit Stanford?" Wally asked. This whole day trip had been his idea, though it was Artemis who meticulously planned it, and he had been incredibly gung-ho about misusing League property until the moment they stepped out of the zeta-beam exit point.

"Really, Wall-man? You're worrying about this now?" Artemis rolled her eyes. "Relax, we'll just say we were checking out a possible future college. As irresponsible usage of zeta transportation goes, this is probably the most responsible you can get."

"Well, I suppose the deed's done," Wally sighed, "Now, we have a school to visit!"

\---

Bruce was said to be the world's greatest detective. Dick was a great hacker. Tim had amazing observational skills and a close to eidetic memory. But Jason's methods were more direct.

"Hey Dick, you're home," he called to his brother from his place on the cough as Dick strolled into the television room. "Where were you?"

"Oh, um, just hanging out with Barbara," Dick replied.

"Are you two dating?" Jason asked, sitting up, "you spend an awful lot of time together."

Dick rolled his eyes. "Jeez, like I don't get enough of this from Bruce. We're just friends."

"Hmm," Jason said, all too innocently, "Well, how about you and Artemis then?"

In the end, it all came down to knowing your subject well. Bats were masters at hiding their emotions, but not so much to other Bats. Jason didn't miss the way his brother startled, the difficulty he had in swallowing, before he finally pasted a look of confusion on his face. "Don't be ridiculous, Jason. You know Artemis is dating Wally."

Dick's mistake was being completely unprepared. Jason caught his gaze and held it. In that moment, Jason _knew_ , and Dick knew he did.

\---

"We heard," Dick declared, as he and Jason stepped into the TV room, "that there was going to be a party."

The atmosphere in the TV room-cum-kitchen did not bring to mind a party at all. Instead, Artemis was pouring popcorn into a large bowl and setting it on the counter, where there were a few bags of potato chips, while Wally was cheerfully setting up what looked like a karaoke machine.

"You heard right! Well, Artemis and I got here, and we found this place totally empty and we thought it was the perfect time to break out that karaoke machine my parents got me last Christmas!" Wally said with a flourish, before running over to help Artemis carry the food over to the coffee table.

"Wait, your parents got you a karaoke machine?" Jason sounded incredulous. "Have they, well, actually heard you sing?"

"Actually, they did say I could only use it in the Cave," Wally said, unfazed, "But the acoustics in here are better anyway."

Jason groaned, and appealed to Artemis. "Sis, do we really have to listen to Wally sing?"

Artemis laughed and handed him the microphone. "Well, only one way to prevent him from singing. Sing yourself!"

Jason made a face. "Nah, make Dick sing. He's got this reedy, teen heartthrob voice."

Dick laughed, and accepted the microphone gladly. "Well, let's get this party started!"

Dick did have an amazing voice, but no one was surprised at this – what was Dick not excellent at, anyway? They all took turns to sing. Jason, in particular, gave an extremely rousing performance of Bon Jovi's _You Give Love A Bad Name_ , and they found Wally did not sound nearly quite so bad when singing with Artemis. Wally insisted on giving a solo performance of the Beatles' _Yellow Submarine_ , and the three boys performed The Rolling Stones' _Start Me Up_ , which Artemis met with raucous applause and catcalls. Jason declared Artemis' beautiful rendition of Heart's _Alone_ "haunting", and they forced Dick to sing at least four Backstreet Boys songs in a row before anyone took up the microphone again. They all got up and danced crazily in the middle of Jason and Dick's rendition of _Don't Stop Believing_ , fingers snapping and limbs flying, and Artemis somehow lost her hair tie and became a storm of whipping blonde hair. She hit everyone in the face with her hair at least once, but that did not stop her from throwing her hair back and forth as she sang _I Love Rock'n'Roll_ at the top of her lungs.

When Zatanna arrived at the cave a few hours later, she found them completely passed out in a tangle of blankets and limbs: Wally slept stretched out across the couch while Artemis leaned against the cough from her spot on the floor, hugging her legs to her chest. Wally had his hand tangled in her long hair, and Jason was curled up against her shoulder. Dick was sprawled out on the floor, his head resting on Jason's feet.

Zatanna giggled despite herself, and dashed into her room to get her camera. She crept to the front of the room and snapped a picture as quietly as she can, but the flash somehow managed to rouse her ex-boyfriend.

"Zee," he said sleepily, getting up. His movement made Jason murmur and curl up even closer to Artemis. Dick smiled fondly at the pair as he sat up. "Hey."

"Hey yourself, Dick," Zatanna said, sighing inwardly. She set the camera down on the coffee table, and sat opposite him, cross-legged. "So… we're okay, right?"

He smiled at her, his wide, Dick Grayson smile, all charm and good-naturedness. "Of course we're okay."

\---

"Hey Dick," Jason said, catching up to his older brother as they prepared to hit the showers after a particularly tough training session with Batman.

"Oh, hey Jason," Dick grinned at his younger brother, before taking a long swig from his water bottle. "Good job today."

"Thanks. Um, I'm not sure how to say this," Jason said, cutting to the chase, "So I'll just be blunt as usual. I know about… how you feel about Artemis. And I know you know. I just wanted to promise you that I won't tell her."

Dick blinked at his younger brother, his expression measured and emotionless, "Jason…"

"I figured that if you wanted to tell her you would've, or maybe you're waiting for the right time," Jason explained. "Either way, I'm not going to interfere."

"Well. Thanks, little wing," Dick said wryly.

"No problem," Jason replied brightly, completely ignoring his brother's tone.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Part Two**

At the end, Wally was the one to find Jason first. The second Robin was a crumpled heap of blood and raw flesh and torn uniform. Wally was no paramedic, but he could tell instantly that the boy had little time left. He rushed to the boy's side, too scared to even hold the boy for fear of increasing his pain. "Jason?" he asked desperately. God, the boy was so close. He had to hang on. Artemis and Dick –

"Wally?" Robin croaked out. His voice was somewhere between a wheeze and a whisper. A lung had probably collapsed, Wally realized. "I knew you guys would – "

"Shh, don't talk, Jase," Artemis' nickname for her almost-younger brother slipped out before he could stop it. "The rest of the team will be here in no time, and we can get you medical attention, I swear – "

"Terrible… liar, West," Jason somehow managed one of his trademark smirks. Dying, Wally thought dimly, did not diminish Jason's attitude at all.

"You have to…" Wally began, but could not finish that sentence. "Dear God, Jason, just until Dick and Artemis get here," he begged.

"I'm… trying… dumbass," Jason got out. His voice was getting even weaker. Distantly, Wally heard footsteps pounding against the ground, and he looked up. He saw Dick and Artemis racing towards the two of them, Artemis furiously wiping at her eyes as she ran. M'gann flew beside them, levitating a first-aid kit Wally knew would be useless.

"They're here, they're almost here, Jason," Wally promised.

"Jase! Oh God, Jason, I'm so sorry," Artemis was crying, and it took Wally a while to realize Dick was too.

"You did good, Jason," Dick told his younger brother, "You did good." Jason smiled that toothy grin Wally had always hated. He'd thought it was so cocky and annoying before. Now all he noticed was how three of Jason's perfect teeth had been knocked out.

"Dick," Jason's eyes were flickering close, and Wally saw he was crying as well, "Sis," one of Jason's hands (how many places had that arm been broken?) reached out and circled around Artemis' shaking wrist.

When Batman arrived moments later, he was too late. He picked up his lost son's body and carried it to the bioship. Nightwing took the Batmobile. No one heard Wally's protestations when he said Dick was in no state to drive. It was only later, as Artemis buried her head into his shoulder and sobbed, that Wally realized he was crying as well.

\---

_"I'm really, really screwed," Jason says the moment she answers the call, before she even has time to say hello. "There was this stupid calc quiz and I haven't really been studying or, well, paying attention in class because it's math and I'm usually good at math and Dick told me high school math was a breeze but Artemis I GOT A B."_

_Artemis laughs, "If you were even remotely Asian I'd make this joke about you not being B-sian…"_

_"Not FUNNY, Artemis!"_

_"Relax, Jase, everyone has to fail at least one quiz before they graduate… In your case, well, I guess you got a B."_

_…_

_"So?" Jason is trying to be cavalier, and it is clear he is holding his feelings in. They wave at the blonde girl they just sent home and Artemis laughs at him as they drive away._

_"She seems really sweet, Jase," Artemis says, and Jason grins so brightly she can't help but laugh again, "thanks for introducing her to me."_

_…_

_Wally insists on having the wedding outdoors, which really just means Artemis is forced to pray daily for good weather for months before the actual day. But when the day arrives the sun is bright and it's all really just perfect and she's glad she let Wally have his way._

_Jason looks exuberant for someone who has been sulking at his sister not giving him enough attention while she was busy with wedding preparations, but that may have to do with the beautiful girl that does not leave his side throughout the entire wedding. He punches Wally on the shoulder. "You better treat her right, West, or you have it in for you." It is the least threatening Jason has ever sounded._

_…_

_"Is he here?" she overhears Jason ask Dick tentatively, clutching his high school diploma in one hand. She sneaks a peak at Dick, who looks like he's trying to suppress a smile._

_"Is who here?" Bruce Wayne asks from behind, and Jason whirls around, face lighting up immediately. The three of them are oblivious to the students and parents who have started staring._

_Artemis discreetly snaps a photo with her camera-phone._

_…_

_"He's a natural," Paula praises, earning a smile out of Wally, who is cradling his new baby in his arms. Artemis smiles, tired, but somehow ridiculously happy._

_"I still can't believe you made Dick the godfather," Jason cuts in, scowling. Dick only gives his brother an obnoxious smile._

_"Well, it seemed the natural choice," Artemis says, "Since you're her uncle."_

_"Really?" He looks like a small child being told Christmas came early._

_"Of course," she tells him, almost rolling her eyes._

_"Here," Wally says, smirking, passing his daughter over, "Uncle Jason."_

_Jason holds her baby girl like she's the most precious thing in the world._

…

But he never would. Not anymore.

Artemis threw a spear at Wally, which he caught and spun around inexpertly, nearly knocking himself in the face. "Careful there, genius," Artemis warned. She spun her own spear several times, looking as if she was barely thinking about it, before stopping in a combative pose.

"I really don't see the point of weapons training," Wally said, eyeing Artemis' spear with a healthy amount of caution. "I am a speedster. I get trained on how to use my superpower from the Flash, and Black Canary handles hand-to-hand combat. I'm really never going to have to use a spear, or any other weapon, in my life."

"Weapons training helps in hand-to-eye coordination, builds up agility, tactical ability, and it's a life skill to be able to handle a variety of weapons," Artemis replied. "Why do you think I can use about every weapon in this room, though my main weapon is a bow?"

"Artemis, I'm a speedster and a genius. I have agility and tactical ability," Wally pointed out, hoping he did not sound like too much of an arrogant douchebag.

"Well," Artemis said icily, "Jason was a _Bat_. He was trained by Batman, Nightwing, Black Canary and _me_. That didn't stop him from dying, Wally, he still got beaten by that lunatic into a bloody – " she didn't finish the sentence, only let out a growl of frustration and swung the spear at him, which he quickly parried with his own spear.

"That's what this is about? Jason? Artemis, I get you're mourning. We all are. But Artemis you have to talk about it, this isn't healthy-" Wally insisted, though it was getting harder and harder to get sensible words out when Artemis was coming at him with a spear in her hands and a hard look in her eyes. "Artemis!" he tried, but he knew by then it was no use. Artemis had to vent her frustration through combat, it was either she attempted to kill him under the guise of training, or she take out her grief on some unsuspecting bad guys in Gotham. At least he had accelerated healing.

\---

Waking up at Mt. Justice's infirmary was like waking up after the train-for-failure experiment, except her teammates were not all simultaneously rousing around her, and Artemis found she was actually injured: she could feel a bandage wrapped around her head. She realized then that she had been knocked out within the first thirty minutes of the mission. Now that was embarrassing.

The next thing she realized was that the only other person in her infirmary room was M'gann, and she was crying profusely. Contrary to her pretty cheerleader façade, M'gann wasn't one to cry easily, which meant something was wrong, and really wrong.

The third thing she realized hit her the hardest. While she and Wally had been badly injured on team missions before, Wally tended to recover way before her due to his accelerated healing, and always found a way to be by her side, annoying her, as she slowly got better like regular humans did.

"Where is he?" she demanded, half jumping out of bed. "M'gann, is something wrong? Where's Wally?"

\---

Artemis didn't know how to mourn him. Seven years they had been together, and she did not know what to do but lie in their bed and feel his absence. Their apartment, which had been way too big before, now seemed like a chasm ready to engulf her at any moment. Though neither of them had actually vocalized it, they had agreed on this house because they thought one day their children would live there. Every time she thought about how that door was closed forever, really forever, it hit her in the face again. This wasn't a break up. This wasn't an argument about when they should have children. This was death, and now they would never have a family together. They would never even get married.

(She had gone crazy on day one and overturned their house looking for an issue of a research journal Wally subscribed to because she was trying to remember some experiment he had explained to her once. She found the ring haphazardly hidden in a sock behind a stack of old magazines.)

For three days after Wally's funeral, she read and re-read the letter he'd written her from when Jason died. Some hours she spent imagining he was simply away, visiting his parents for the weekend or staying late at the labs, and some hours she thought about just how _gone_ he was. She forced herself to remember the little things, the feel of his hand in hers, the sound of his footsteps up the stairs, his laugh. She summoned his voice up in her head every few hours, just to make sure she hadn't forgotten yet.

Artemis found that she missed Jason more than ever after Wally was gone. She had only just lost her younger brother, and Wally had been there. Now neither of them were and it felt like losing her mother and her sister all over again. She tried imagining what Jason would do to cheer her up if he was still around. Move in with her for the time being, distract her with chatter and jokes, help her cook and burn the eggs, she supposed. She imagined Jason and Wally getting on each other's nerves in an afterlife she only nebulously believed in.

Imagining things hurt so much.

She thought about calling Dick, but for some reason, she just couldn't. There were just too many memories of Wally between them. She couldn't talk to the guy who'd told Wally to cut her some slack when he still hated her, teased them when they were still denying their attraction to each other and calmed her down when she was freaking out about telling Wally she loved him.

He hadn't called her either, for the same reasons, she supposed. The others had, though, with condolences and offers to meet up or come over. M'gann had showed up at her doorstep with more cookies than she could finish alone, and Zatanna texted every few hours to check on her. Conner had called her one night and they talked for an hour. She video-chatted with Ollie and Dinah and her mom. Jade even showed up at her window one night, and they stayed up late drinking Chinese tea while sitting cross-legged on her living room floor. She forced herself to look like she was keeping it together for these rare moments of human interaction, but it was getting hard to ignore the searching looks and the constant worrying. So, a week after Wally's funeral, she called up the only person she knew would really understand.

"Zatanna? That offer for brunch still on?"

Zatanna kept things real; that was Artemis' favourite thing about her. She was extremely honest with everyone, including herself, but was never unkind. Artemis had always been glad that Zatanna and Dick had managed to stay good friends after their numerous break-ups. She hated to think what would've happened if she had been forced to choose sides.

Zatanna was already there, indicating to the waiter she wanted a table for two, when Artemis arrived. "Zee!" Artemis exclaimed, suddenly feeling more alive than she had in days. When she smiled at her long-time friend, there was nothing strained about it. She felt, for the first time since Wally died, glad to see someone.

"Artemis," Zatanna greeted, embracing her. They followed the waiter to their usual table at the corner of the restaurant.

"So, how've you been?" Zatanna asked, after they'd both placed orders for their usual drinks and meals.

She had planned on pretending that she had been coping, but that all fell away the second she opened her mouth. This was Zatanna, after all. If ever there was someone she could be honest with, it was her. "Terrible," Artemis confessed. "It's just… every hour I find another way of realizing how he's never coming back."

"I know," Zatanna said, and her voice was soft, "I know. And we both know there's nothing someone can say to make it feel better. I'm so sorry, Artemis. It never should have happened. I miss him so much, too."

"I quit the team," Artemis said abruptly. "I just couldn't anymore, after Wally and Jason. I joined the team to undo all the bad things my parents did, and wanted me to do. And now I can't undo all the people I lost on the team, but…"

"I know. I heard. And Artemis, we all understand, and we all really care about you." Their food arrived, and Zatanna poured them both some tea. Artemis was suddenly very conscious of the morning sunlight pouring through the window. Her eyes, which had cried way more than she was built for in the past few days, ached. "Do you have any plans for, well, the future?"

"Well, Wally and I applied for a grad program in France. I thought, if I get in, maybe I'd go to Paris."

\---

"Don't say it," Dick said, as Barbara sat beside him at the park where they'd agreed to meet. She'd asked him many times since the funeral if he wanted to talk, but this was the first time he'd agreed. Barbara knew Dick; he could be all suave and charming, but when his emotions set in they were strong, and he sometimes preferred to shut himself up so no one else would bear the brunt of it, even if they were willing to.

"Say what?"

"That you're sorry," he sighed deeply, putting his head in his hands. "It's been said too many times after Jason, and I can't – I can't handle it being said about Wally."

"I know you deserve more than all the clichés, Dick," Barbara said gently, "But I – I've got nothing. It shouldn't have happened. God, it was _wrong_ that it happened. I really, really am sorry."

"They were my brothers," Dick said, looking at her. "Both of them."

It was so unfair, and so goddamned stupid she wanted to kick and scream and cry. Jason and Wally were heroes. She remembered them from years back, when Jason was full of anger and Wally full of insecurity. They'd come so far and now, they were gone. How could they be dead when villains that killed without blinking an eye found their way out of jail and took more lives? Not to mention Dick. No one deserved to lose anyone they loved the way Dick loved his family and friends, but Dick had lost not just his parents, and now, two of his closest friends in the world.

"They are," she said, offering another cliché. There was nothing else to say. "They are."

\---

"Miss Crock," Alfred said when he answered the door. "We weren't expecting you today." His look of surprise almost instantly morphed into concern. "How have you been feeling?"

"Yeah, it was kind of an impromptu decision to visit," Artemis said sheepishly, rubbing the back of her neck with her hand. "I've been…coping. I just thought I'd visit Jason's grave for a while, maybe talk to Dick…? If that's okay, of course."

"You know you're always welcome here, Miss Crock," Alfred told her, and she smiled politely. She had visited often in her senior year and now felt guilty for not visiting more since she left for college. "Unfortunately, I'm afraid that Master Grayson is out with Miss Gordon at the moment."

"Oh, that's okay – " Artemis started, when a lanky, dark-haired figure suddenly stopped by Alfred at the door.

"Artemis?" Tim asked, looking surprised. "What are you doing here?"

"Oh, hey, Tim," Artemis smiled at the current Robin. Given how she was practically a sister to the two Robins before him, her awkward acquaintanceship with Tim was something she always felt slightly guilty about, but it was difficult for her to be too friendly to him when she kept seeing him as Jason's replacement. "Um, I wanted to visit Jason's grave, and maybe see Dick, but I guess he's out at the moment."

"Oh," Tim said, scratching his head. He had really gotten so tall, Artemis thought, had Jason ever been that tall? Tim was a whole year younger than Jason had been when he… "I could take you to Jason's grave, if you want."

"Now that's an idea," Alfred said dryly, giving Artemis a look, which she ignored.

"Um, wow, thanks," Artemis smiled at the younger boy, "That'll be great."

She'd last visited Jason's grave over three months ago, with Dick and Wally, and it was impossible not to think about her dead boyfriend as she walked through the gardens of Wayne Manor. She decided to say something before Tim felt obliged to ask her the typical, "how have you been coping" type of questions she'd gotten so tired off since Wally died. "So, Tim," she said conversationally, "how's school been?" Tim, she remembered, went to Gotham Academy as well.

"It's gotten pretty busy since 8th grade started, I guess," Tim said, sounding surprised that she had initiated a conversation, "Oh, um, but nothing I can't handle. I have all of Dick's old notes, so that helps."

Of course. All Robins had to be excellent at their schoolwork. It was something Dick managed with little effort and Jason had felt obliged to keep up the legacy. That same pressure probably fell on Tim now. Artemis opened her mouth to say something about the crazy workload at Gotham Academy, or the strict teachers that actually knew what they were saying, or the ridiculous number of clubs that didn't make any sense, but they had already arrived at Jason's grave.

Artemis realized at that moment that she had forgotten to buy flowers.

"I really miss him," Tim confessed suddenly, snapping her out of her reverie. He was staring at the tombstone. Artemis found herself wondering how often Tim visited Jason's grave on his own.

 _In this family, it's every girl for herself_. The words came to her out of nowhere, forcing her to remember a little girl in overalls, clutching a soft toy as her older sister walked straight out of her life. She remembered how big the house felt with just her in it, how much worse trainings with her father were without her sister, how strange it was to read Alice in Wonderland alone, learning to fix up her own hair without Jade around to do it.

"I'm sorry," she said, surprising even herself by speaking. "I know what it's like to lose a sibling."

"Oh yeah, Jason always said you were like his big sister," Tim said, looking at her, "This must be really hard for you too."

"It is. But that's not what I meant. My older sister, she's, well, Cheshire. Jade Nguyen. She's not dead, but well, when our mom got thrown in prison when I was 11, she left and it felt like I was never going to see her again."

It was no secret that she and Jason got along because they were so alike, whether it was because of personality or the way they just got each other's backstories. Now she and Tim were alike because they both lost an older sibling. They were going to be friends.

\---

It was almost 8 in the morning when the phone call came, but Dick was too tired from last night's patrol to even look at the caller-ID. He answered the call, his voice sounding scratchy from sleep. "Hello?"

"We're being idiots," Artemis said bluntly. She sounded wide-awake, though it was probably even earlier where she was.

No, Artemis wasn't even in California any more. She had moved back to Gotham a while ago, after she graduated. Zatanna had mentioned it to him once after a debrief.

He hadn't been invited to the graduation ceremony.

"Good morning, Artemis," he said, sitting up.

"Right. Morning," she said, and he could pretty much visualize her rolling her eyes. "As I was saying, we're being idiots. We haven't seen each other in ages, and Dick, I need to see you. I miss you so much."

Dick laughed, though he suddenly felt like crying. He hadn't cried since – well, since after Wally, but it was like something raw and painful he had buried deep down in his chest was coming alive again. "I miss you too," he said. "We really should meet up sometime – "

"Exactly. How's today?"

Dick blinked. "Today?" He scrambled around for his alarm clock, and looked at the date. Oh. Today was the day Jason would have turned seventeen. "Sure. I'll clear my schedule."

\---

"I can't believe you actually have your own apartment," Artemis declared, as she settled down on the sofa. "I mean… Wayne Manor. This place is nice, and all, but you could live in a freaking castle."

"I do still stay at the Manor sometimes," Dick said diplomatically, as he handed her a soda can from the fridge, "but it is nice to have my own place. Nineteenth birthday present from Bruce."

Artemis blanched as she opened the can. "Jeez. My dad didn't even show up on my nineteenth birthday."

Dick shrugged with mock modesty. Artemis took a drink from the can, then looked up at him. "Why didn't we talk after Wally died?"

They had spoken all day about how their lives had been in each other’s absence, made jokes, gossiped, reminisced about the old days, but they had never even gotten near the elephant in the room. Dick swallowed and put his empty can down on the coffee table. "It was… difficult. Wally meant so much to both of us, and seeing each other was just a constant reminder of everything."

"But after Jason died… we stuck together. It helped," Artemis said quietly, looking at the can in her hands.

"Maybe it was just too much," Dick tried to keep his voice calm, but it was difficult not to cry, or walk away. It had been months, but still, he hadn't gotten over it. He probably never would. "I… I still can't believe-"

"That they're both gone?" she looked at him, and held his gaze. "I can't either. Everything was going so great for years. I thought we'd go on forever. We'd join the league, or leave the business, and the next generation would step up. We'd train them. I can't believe that a year ago, they were both…"

"I know," Dick said. It was almost a relief to be able to talk about it with Artemis, Artemis who loved both Jason and Wally as much as he did. "There are years where nothing happens, and weeks where decades happen."

"Who said that?" Artemis said, almost laughing. "It sounds so familiar."

"I don't know. But Mrs. Hundert used to quote it all the time."

"AP History! I had her too." Artemis recalled, as if she hadn't been talking about her dead boyfriend and little brother just a moment ago. The façade was up again. It had been years, and she had only gotten better at lying and hiding. "Great teacher. I wonder if she's still at Gotham Academy…"

"Maybe she would've taught Jason."

Artemis' face fell, then she smiled, almost involuntarily, "Can you imagine him mouthing off at her? She'd have the greatest comebacks for him, too."

He settled down next to her so their shoulders were touching, but they could not look at each other. "He's never gonna do all that stuff now."

"D'you ever feel… guilty?" Artemis asked, her voice so small he wouldn't have heard it if he wasn't sitting next to her.

They all felt guilty. Batman. Alfred. Even Tim, though he had nothing to do with the mission. They'd all taken turns to tell each other it was no one's fault but the Joker's, but everyone knew without speaking that none of them believed each other. "Of course," Dick admitted, "He was my brother. He was on my team. I should've been watching out for him."

"He was my brother too."

"I know. And I know – as I'm sure you do – that it wasn't my fault. I mean… logically," Dick leaned forward, putting his face in his hands. "But I don't believe it. Maybe I never will."

"Wally dying was my fault," Artemis blurted out, and Dick looked at her, surprised.

"But – you were knocked out. Before he even-"

"No. Listen to me. After we got into Stanford, Wally wanted both of us to leave the life. He said we had too much to lose now. We both didn't say it, but I knew he wanted us to get married after we graduated. I told him not to be ridiculous. I tried to remind him why he became a hero in the first place. I just couldn't give it up. Even after Jason died, it felt like being a hero was the only thing that would make me feel better," Artemis shut her eyes tight. "But now I just… If I had just listened to him, we'd still be together."

"You can't think that way, 'Mis. The decision was his. And he chose to stick with you. With the team."

"I know. I know," she said, echoing his earlier words. She opened her eyes, bright with tears. "But I asked him to think about why he became a hero. I first became a hero to make up for what my family did. To show I could be better. And it was the best decision I ever made. I got a second family. But now I've lost it."

"You haven't," he said firmly, looking her in the eye. She didn't look away. "There's me. And Conner, and M'gann, and Kaldur, and Zee, and Raquel. Ollie and Dinah. Even Roy and Jade. The new kids. We're still your family."

"Yeah. But it'll never be the same, will it?" she challenged.

"No." He turned away, leaned back on the sofa.

They sat in silence for a long while, before she spoke up again. "I don't think I can go out for dinner tonight."

He smiled despite himself. "Tell you what," he said, "let's not. We'll get some pizzas, and I've got some wine I've been saving for a special occasion… We'll have a night in. It'll be just like old times."

Three hours and a movie later, they were surrounded by empty pizza boxes. They had finished the bottle of wine halfway into the movie through a drinking game, whereupon Dick broke out a few cans of beer. Artemis called him a hardened alcoholic, but accepted the beer anyway.

Dick had not been keeping track of how much Artemis drank while they watched the movie, but it became clear once the credits rolled that she was drunk. She looked way too cheerful, too uninhibited, to be normal, sober, stately Artemis. He realized, somewhat belatedly, that he had never seen her this drunk before. Artemis usually held her liquor well.

"To Jason!" she announced, raising a beer can, and upon realizing it was empty, scrambled around for another one. He moved to stop her, but lost balance immediately. She laughed at him.

Great. He was probably drunk too. Everything was shiny and bright and blurred around the edges. He raised his own beer can. "To Wally."

"To lost friends," she declared, and they both drank, though he faintly registered that it was probably a bad idea.

"It was really stupid for us not to talk," Artemis declared, as setting her drink down before leaning back on the couch. "Like seriously. What were we thinking? I needed you those few months. "

Dick shrugged. "I needed you too. T'was scary. That's why."

"Scary? Why would it be scary?" She laughed, and turns to face him, her eyes bright from inebriation and amusement.

"Because I like you." It tumbles out before he can stop it. "Like, way too much." Clearly, alcohol has brought them back to their high school days, and it is probably a testament to how much he's drunk that night that he's more amused at the juvenile nature of their exchange than mortified at what he's just revealed.

"You like me?" She is so close he could see how long her lashes are, and how they cast faint shadows on her face. He only noticed this for the shortest moment because the next thing he knew, they were kissing.

 _Yes_ , he thought, _of course, for the longest time, yes_. His hand was twisted in the long blonde hair he watched splayed over his best friend's shoulder for almost a decade. _I've been in love with you for ages_. She was so soft and warm he could almost believe he was lying in bed on a rainy night, in the quiet space between waking and dreaming, when he was too tired to stop himself from imagining something like this.

 _No_.

Neither of them spoke it, but it was as if it resounded through the room like the shrill rip of a siren. She pulled away, jerking her head back, and all at once, everything came back into focus, sharp, real, happening all too fast.

"Oh my god," she said. Her eyes filling with tears that she did not even try to stop. She was panicking. It was so unlike Artemis, the frightened way she leapt up from the sofa, trying to put as much distance between them as possible, and snatched up her coat. He stood up shakily, watching dumbly as she scrambled about searching for her purse and keys.

He only dove into action when she declared, "I have to go," and made a dash for the door.

"Artemis!" he shouted. His ears were ringing. "'Mis, you can't, it's the middle of the night and you're _drunk_ -"

"Let go off me," she snarled, shaking off his arm. He had not even realized he had grabbed her. "And don't call me that."

She strode out of his apartment, barely giving him enough time to lock up. Artemis did not even look at him until they were three blocks away, when she whirled around and glared at him, seething. "LEAVE ME ALONE, DICK."

"I can't. I'm sorry, that was stupid. But I can't leave you alone now-"

"I'm perfectly capable of-"

"Dick? Artemis?" He would recognize that voice anywhere. Zatanna stood a few feet away, wrapped in a thick black coat. Her eyelids sparkled from the stage makeup she was wearing. "I just finished a show," she said, looking from Dick to Artemis, trying to assess the situation. "Are you guys-"

"Zee!" Artemis said, and it was clear she was trying to fake cheerfulness. "Sorry for the late notice, but could I crash at your place tonight?"

"Oh. Um," Zatanna gave Dick a long, questioning look, to which he could only look away. "Sure. I could take you back to your apartment, if you want?"

"Oh, no. That's too far away, I don't want to be too much trouble," Artemis reassured her best friend, speaking fast and sharp. She did not look at him at all.

"Well, sure. Goodnight Dick." Zatanna shot him another look, but he ignored it.

"Goodnight, Zee. Artemis." He watched them leave, Zatanna with one arm firmly wrapped around Artemis' waist, until they were too far for him to see.

\---

Barbara was already sitting at their usual table by the window at their usual window with a pot of earl gray and a cup of coffee when he got there. "Hey Barb," he said as he sat down opposite her.

"Hey yourself, Grayson," Barbara raised an eyebrow at him. "So, what's up?" She sighed when he didn't say anything for a while. "This is about Artemis, I suppose?"

"How…?" he looked at her, surprised.

"Well, I thought this would be about Wally, but I called Zee up to wish her luck before her big show tonight and she told me to expect a call from you," Barbara explained, examining Dick's reaction carefully. "She said she saw you and Artemis shouting at each other in public last night. Didn't go into details, but it sounded bad."

"I totally messed up everything," Dick sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I don't know what I was _thinking_ , god."

"Starting from the beginning might help," Barbara suggested. She saw Dick so rarely outside of training and missions and debriefs now that the time they spent together was either hardcore fun and joking around or dead serious conversations. There was no time for in-betweens these days.

"Well, you know, after Wally's funeral, Artemis and I couldn't really… talk to each other. I mean it had always been the three of us, and now without him it just felt so strange, I think neither of us could take it. And then yesterday she called me up and said we were being stupid. So we went for lunch, got caught up, just hung around. Then we got to talking about the serious stuff, and neither of us were in the mood to go out for dinner, so we decided to have a night in, y'know, like we used to at Mt. Justice," Dick trailed off, and Barbara had a funny feeling she knew how this story ended. It was the same feeling she had when she got off the phone with Zatanna, but multiplied by a thousand. "Yeah, well, we got drunk. And then we made out before she freaked out and ran out of the house and I followed her and we were just shouting at each other when Zee found us."

"Well. Wow," Barbara said, trying to figure out how to respond. There was a part of her brain that was judging Dick so hard right now, but well, she knew what alcohol could do and Dick needed her to be his best friend now, not a disapproving parent.

"And that was when I realized I wasn't really that drunk," Dick said softly. He looked at her. "I was just a total asshole."

\---

She and Wally had applied for to do a year of graduate school abroad together, the same way they had applied for Stanford together. It made her nostalgic to review each other's admission essays again, send the transcripts off, beg for recommendation letters. They hadn't been sure if they would go, since it meant taking an extended break from the life, but it had been a possibility, and an exciting one.

Artemis had withdrawn Wally's application letter in the midst of the funeral preparations. Her own acceptance letter came via e-mail – it would have been so much easier if it had been by snail mail, she could have just tossed the letter aside, read it when she felt ready. But it was sitting in her inbox, and she opened it and read the first line before she could even think better of it.

She ignored it for weeks, but with a looming acceptance deadline, she reluctantly opened the envelope that arrived in the mail a few weeks after the email came. It was time to make a decision. She'd meant to talk to Dick about whether she should accept the place, but the topic never came up. In the end, he had helped her make the decision, in a way, because when she woke up on Zee's couch that next morning, she had already decided.

Zee had breakfast ready for her: toast, scrambled eggs, steaming coffee. It was more than she deserved, Artemis thought faintly. Her head felt like it was going to split open.

"So, what are you going to do about this whole… thing?" Zatanna asked, sipping at a cup of tea. She looked like she didn't want to pry, but was too concerned not to ask. Artemis loved her best friend so, so much in that moment.

"I'm going to Paris," Artemis said, without a moment's hesitation.

\---

Artemis wondered if asking an Atlantean to meet her by the sea was considered as being considerate or being racist. Either way, she had a feeling her friend would be extremely polite about the matter. It was for a strictly selfish reason that she had chosen the sea, anyway. She had grown to love the beach during her stint at Mt. Justice, and there was now nothing she loved more than the gentle sound of the waves and the feel of water lapping over her feet. Calm was not something Artemis felt very often, and it was certainly a refreshing feeling.

"Artemis," Kaldur called from a short distance behind her, and she turned, smiling widely.

"Kaldur!" She had not seen Kaldur much since Wally's funeral; though they had communicated by text and emails, there really was nothing like seeing an old friend again.

"It is good to see you. How have you been?" They began to walk along the beach, much like how they used to when the team was new.

"It's been… difficult. I miss them both," Artemis admitted. It was easy speaking of these things to Kaldur, who was so gentle and well meaning, yet somehow seeming as if he could understand the deepest grief. "But I've been coping. That gets a little easier every day, even if I keep missing them."

"I miss them both too," Kaldur said, his quiet voice regretful, "I don't believe either of us will ever cease to miss them. Is this what you wished to speak with me about?"

"Not really," Artemis trailed off, unsure of how to start. Many of her friends lived away from their homes, but when she thought of someone who lived away from a world he truly loved, she thought of Kaldur. It was impossible to miss his affinity for the ocean, and the nostalgic fondness in his voice whenever he spoke of his childhood home. Of course, there was Dick, who never spoke of his years in the circus but kept a stuffed elephant on his bed and a poster of the Flying Graysons on his wall, but…

"Speak your mind," he urged, smiling at her encouragingly, bringing her back to reality.

"I got into a graduate program to study biophysics," she explained, and his eyes brightened, clearly happy for her. "But the first year of the program is in France. Paris, actually. I applied for it with Wally, but now…"

"You feel it would not be right to go without him? Or you are afraid that you will miss home?"

"Both. I've lived away from home before, but Wally was there with me. I could never be home-sick with him there. And I met with the team regularly…"

"Yet in France home would not be a simple zeta-trip away," Kaldur mused. "It is a tough decision, Artemis. How do you feel about it at present?"

"I'd all but decided two days ago," she bit her lip, reflexively remembering the circumstances that had made her decide and quickly pushed the memory away. "But it felt like… like running. It's an attractive choice because it's just so far away from everything that's happened. But I just feel like I can't let that be my only reason."

"But that can't be your only reason," Kaldur said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. She looked at him, surprised. "Wally mentioned this to me, in passing, a long time ago. You both applied long before even Jason died. What was your reasoning then?"

"I guess… it was a great opportunity to further my studies, higher qualifications make it easier to get a good job. The program's prestigious, and I'd be working with professors I really admire. Wally and I always spoke about living overseas for a while, and well, Paris is _Paris_. Not to mention my grandmother was from there, and she would sometimes tell me stories…" Artemis trailed off. "But those reasons seem silly now."

"Those reasons hardly seem silly to me," Kaldur told her, looking her squarely in the eye. "You wanted to go for the sake of self-improvement, it seems, and because you were seeking what would be an enriching and enjoyable experience. It seems silly now because after people we love dearly die, we often feel that we should put our lives on hold when we mourn them. That to do anything for ourselves seems sacrilegious to their memory, or would imply that we were beginning to forget them. But, cliché as it seems, we must remember that they would want us to do these things for ourselves."

Would they? She tried to think of Wally and Jason as the full, complex people she knew, not the rose-tinted way many thought of the dead. Wally, sometimes insecure, sometimes fearing she'd leave him, often scared he'd lose her during a mission, but yet, despite these moments of weakness, always believing in her strength, respecting her decisions and loving and knowing her more than anyone in the world. And Jason, who had tried not to cry in front of her, yet gladly called her his sister for years and years, who had been unhappy at her moving to a state halfway across the country, but threw her the best going-away party in history and called her twice a week, even if they saw each other often for missions and training.

Kaldur seemed to tell that she was thinking through what he said, and continued.

"As for my own experience, I will not deny there is much I lost from living on the surface-world," Kaldur reflected, "But I feel now that I have gained so much more. It is not something I regret. I came into my own when I was away from home. You learn much about yourself when you are truly independent, I feel."

"I want that for myself too," she said, surprising herself by voicing her thoughts.

"I have learnt from my years on land that nothing quite helps decision making like swimming," Kaldur said, his smile suddenly tinted with mischief, "though I suppose I may have a slight bias, may I interest you in a swim?"

She laughed. "I thought you'd never ask."

Barbara was standing outside her door as she approached it, humming, the smell of the sea still in her hair. The meeting with Kaldur had left her more light-hearted than she had felt in weeks, but seeing Barbara at her doorstep sent her crashing back to reality. Dick must have sent her.

"Artemis!" Barbara said, smiling warmly. "I come with cupcakes."

Artemis grinned, only a little warily. "Well, I couldn't say no to that. Come on in!"

"Sorry to just spring in on you like that," Barbara said, as she set the cupcakes down on the coffee table.

"Oh it's fine, really, I was just out meeting Kaldur. D'you want anything to drink?" Artemis offered, gesturing towards the kitchen.

"Coffee's great!" Barbara said, as she settled down on the sofa.

"Thanks again for the cupcakes Barb, I've really been missing your ba-" Artemis emerged from the kitchen with two cups of coffee, just as Barbara looked up from the letter on the table she had been reading. They both froze for a moment.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean – it was on the table," Barbara apologized quickly.

Artemis sighed, and set the coffee cups down on the table, before sitting next to her friend. "It's alright. I would've told you sooner or later, anyway. So, what do you think?"

"It's great news, Artemis. But are you really going?"

"I think I am." Artemis picked up the letter from the table and scanned through it without really reading. "I found out over email a while back, and then the letter came, but I kept trying to ignore it. But now… I think I've decided."

"Is this cos of Dick?" Barbara asked, gently taking the letter from Artemis and placing it on the table. "He told me what happened… 'Mis, I know you feel guilty but that doesn't mean you have to run to _Paris_."

"It's not Dick, Barb. I just have to go. It's a great opportunity, and I don't think I can stay around anymore," Artemis twisted her hands together. "I just can't. Barb, I got so drunk I made out with my dead boyfriend's best friend. This wallowing in self-pity, this constant remembering… it's not me. I need to move on, and maybe it looks like running away, but I have to go."

Barbara looked like she was relenting, but she protested anyway, "But Paris, Artemis. That's so far away!"

"It's only a year," Artemis pointed out, "And I've thought this through, Barb. Wally and I were planning on going together. If I don't go without him, it would feel like he was the only reason I wanted to go."

Barbara was silent for a while, examining Artemis' face closely. "Do you really want this?"

"Yes," Artemis promised, "That's why I was meeting Kaldur today. He of all people knows what it's like to be away from home, all alone, for so long. He said he never regretted it. And I just don't want to regret stuff anymore."

"That's great, 'Mis. You should go," Barbara reached out to hug her, and Artemis held her friend tightly.

"Thanks, Barbara. I needed to hear that," Artemis said, then bit her lip. "So, how's Dick?"

"He… feels terrible. But I guess, in some weird way, it's good to have it out in the open," Barbara said, then groaned when Artemis blinked in confusion. "Oh, Artemis. Are you serious?"

"Have what out in the open?" But it was clear Artemis realized what she had missed for years the moment she said those words. "Oh my god."

"Artemis! Dick said he told you," Barbara felt a mix of horror and dark amusement.

"Yeah, but he was drunk! We were both drunk! How was I supposed to know," Artemis looked like she wanted to slam her head repeatedly against the coffee table. "When did he-"

"Well. He first told me in your senior year," Barbara said, remembering the moment a panicked Dick Grayson declared he had a big problem.

"Senior-?! Oh my god," Artemis hugged her knees to her chest, still trying to take it in. "How did I never notice?"

Barbara patted her on the shoulder. "There, there. If it makes you feel better… he is a Bat." She paused, "Does this mean you'll rethink-"

"No. This changes nothing," Artemis looked up at her, a determined look in her eyes. "I'm still going. I cheated-" She cut herself off at Barbara's open-mouthed expression and looked away.

"Artemis. Wally wouldn't want you to… he would want you to move on," Barbara tried, but no words seemed appropriate.

"Wally wanted us to be married," Artemis said, her eyes cold, as she drew out a chain that had been hidden under a collar. There was a ring on it, a small, modest diamond ring that glinted, almost insidiously, as Barbara watched it fall just below her friend's collarbone. "It was just too soon, Barb. It was wrong."

"I'm sorry, Artemis. I know this is confusing for you. But you have to talk to Dick. He's your best friend, you owe it to him. And yourself."

"I know. And I will, Barbara, you just have to let me do it in my own time," that icy look was gone from her eyes, and she simply looked sad. "But Barb, promise me something."

"Anything, Artemis."

"Promise me you won't tell him I'm going."

\---

She should have burned the damn uniform after Wally's funeral. But there it was, in her closet, clean and neatly pressed. She had not worn it in weeks. And now, with barely over a week before she left for Paris, she suddenly wanted to wear it again. Just for one last night.

She was in the uniform and on patrol before she knew it. She had forgotten how easy it was to take to the streets as Artemis, crime-fighting heroine. It was like slipping into a new skin, one that had no greater problems than which arrow to use or taking down criminals who could barely fight.

It was evident he was following her ten minutes into her patrol. How he had even found her was a mystery. He could have been tracking her activity this whole time, which was just too creepy a thought, yet not one she would put past Dick Grayson. She ignored him, not wanting to be bothered on her last night, but it was impossible not to think about it. Her ever-present guilt at what they had done was bad enough, factoring in the whole issue about Dick having been in love with her for literally years and there was just a huge jumbled mess of feelings and complications and confusion. Artemis did not appreciate any of that.

What would Wally do if he were in this situation? If Artemis had dated Dick this whole while, and suddenly found out that Wally had feelings for her? _Try to pass it off as a joke_ , she thought, _and when he can't anymore, be light hearted about it. Get touchy and irritable when probed or asked to talk about it. Be emotional and earnest when he finally feels ready_.

But Dick? _Dick would hide_ , she realized, _at his own expense_ , and the thought alone was enough to make her turn around.

"Nightwing?" she called, resisting the urge to fold her arms expectantly. "I know you're there."

There was a pause, but she knew him well enough to keep waiting. Sure enough, he emerged from behind a warehouse. "Artemis. I thought you left the life."

"I did," she said, examining her bow so she wouldn't have to make eye contact, "I decided I had time for a short reprise."

"Hmm," he did not sound convinced, "Nothing to do with missing the thrill of the fight?"

 _No_ , she wanted to snap, and scowl, as if she was a petulant, angry teenager again. Instead she rolled her eyes. "Well, that too, of course. Question is, why have you been following me for the past hour or so?"

"You've been off patrol for weeks," he answered smoothly, "I was worried you were rusty. Clearly my worries were unfounded."

"Ha," she replied, unable to keep the sarcasm out of her voice, then sighed. "Nightwing, we both know we have… a huge talk impending. But tonight, could we just pretend nothing happened?" _It's kind of an important night_ , she wanted to say, but couldn't, _my last night as Artemis in Gotham_.

He nodded, and there was nary a swallow or a stiffening of neck muscles to suggest he was unhappy with what she said. "Of course."

"Great. So… patrol together?"

"Yeah. For old times' sake."

\---

"Miss Crock," Alfred sounded genuinely surprised this time. He hadn't expected to see her again so soon, she realized, and instantly felt bad. "I'm afraid Master Grayson isn't here-"

"Hey Alfred, um, actually, I'm here to see Tim," Artemis cut in.

Alfred raised an eyebrow. "Certainly."

Artemis found Tim in the training room, hanging upside down from some bars while reading a book. He was embarrassed when he saw her and quickly scrambled to his feet. "Artemis! I wasn't expecting you."

"Sorry to show up without warning… again," she said. "I just kind of need a favour."

"Oh," Tim raised his eyebrows. He grabbed a bottle of water off the ground and drank from it. "Well, sure, I guess. What've you got in mind?"

"I'm going to Paris to study for a year," Artemis said, "But it's kind of… under wraps. I don't really want to tell your brother about it, we kind of had a disagreement lately. But I didn't want to go without telling him anything, so I um, wrote him a letter. Could you give it to him, but only after I leave next Monday? My flight's at three."

"A letter?" Tim looked sceptical, but he took the proffered envelope anyway.

"Yeah, it's terrible, I know," Artemis sighed, "I feel terrible about it. But I can't really talk to him about something like this after… everything that's happened lately."

Dick would have used his sleuthing skills to get to the bottom of what happened. Jason would have wheedled until he got the story out of her. But Tim only said, "Well, I guess I understand that." And for some reason, she really believed he was just going to leave it at that.

She smiled at him, probably the widest she had smiled in months. "Thanks, Tim. I really appreciate it." She'd heard Dick call Tim the smartest Robin before. Perhaps this was why.

\---

Her send-off party was small by design. She had scheduled an appointment with all the friends she had told about this to have a meal and say goodbye, telling everyone she did not want to make a big fuss about this. Given what she had gone through in the past year, they respected her wishes.

She even insisted her mother not accompany her to the airport, and visited her for lunch every day for two weeks to make up for it. She bought her mother a new laptop and taught her how to use Skype, and begged Jade to visit more often. It was strange, wrapping up all her loose ends.

So, as she stood at the gate, waiting to check in, she was accompanied by only Zatanna and Barbara.

"We have a present for you, actually," Zatanna said sheepishly, handing her a medium sized box.

"Wow, you really didn't have to. Thanks so much." Artemis opened the box and slid out a picture frame.

"It's a digital picture frame," Barbara explained; taking the frame and switching it on, before handing it back to her. A slideshow of photos of the team began to play. "For if you ever miss us."

"It's amazing," Artemis said, staring at the frame. A picture of Conner and Wolf playing catch faded to one of M'gann attempting to teach Kaldur how to bake. (Kaldur had given them all fish-shaped butter cookies for some Atlantean holiday that year.)

"The next one's my favourite," Zatanna enthused, "Look!"

It was a photo of her, Wally, Jason and Dick fast asleep in the cave after their karaoke marathon. She would have choked up if the photo hadn't quickly faded to that terrible picture of her and Dick on her first day at Gotham Academy.

She remembered him showing that photo on his phone the day after she had found out his real identity. She had punched him hard, but they had laughed about it. Just like he said they would.

"Oh, you added that photo too!" Zatanna said to Barbara. "How did you even get it?"

"I know his phone password. God, I remember that day. I thought he was being such an embarrassment, just running up to random girls and taking a photo with them," Barbara rolled her eyes.

"Yeah. Speaking of which, where is he? I thought he'd at least see you off," Zatanna glanced around, completely missing the looks on Artemis' and Barbara's faces. "Wait a minute, I'll call him."

"No!" Artemis burst out.

That single syllable was all Zatanna needed to figure out what was going on. "Artemis," she said testily. "You told me the two of you had made up."

"I lied. I'm sorry, I just couldn't…"

"Does he even know you're leaving?!" Zatanna asked incredulously, then groaned when Artemis shook her head. She glanced at Barbara, who was keeping suspiciously silent throughout this whole exchange. "And you knew about this?"

Barbara sighed. "Zee, it was Artemis' choice."

"Look Zee, I know you disapprove-"

"Damn right I do," Zatanna muttered.

"-But I really couldn't tell him about this. He'd think it was his fault. But it's not. I'm doing this for myself," Artemis said, clutching the photo frame in her hands. It showed a picture of Dick and Jason fighting over a bowl of cereal. "And I left him a letter. It's with Tim. Explaining why I did this. He'll understand."

Her best friend sighed, and looked from Artemis to Barbara. "You're lucky I love you," she said, and hugged Artemis.

Barbara stepped up to hug Artemis too. "You should go soon. I'll miss you, 'Mis."

"I'll miss you both. I'll call once I reach, promise.”

"I've got to call him," Zatanna said once Artemis was out of earshot, snatching her phone out of her pocket. Barbara caught her wrist. "Barb, you can't seriously think Dick will be okay with this-"

"No. Just wait a little," Barbara coaxed, "Don't give him enough time to convince her not to go."

"You really think he could do that?" Zatanna raised an eyebrow at her.

"I'm not sure if he would," Barbara looked thoughtful, "But if anyone could, it would be him."

Her phone rang as she waited to board the plane. It was probably Conner, she thought, calling up to say goodbye right before she left. She had met Superboy and M'gann for a farewell dinner two nights ago, but she supposed it wouldn't hurt to chat a little now. She flinched when she saw the name on her caller-id. _Dick Grayson_. She sighed, narrowing her eyes, and answered the call before she could decide to do otherwise.

"Dick?" she asked tentatively, bracing herself. She heard a sigh of relief.

"Oh good, you haven't boarded yet," Dick sounded slightly out of breath.

"Yeah," she bit her lip, "few more minutes."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because you'd try to stop me," she lied. There was a short pause. "I'm sorry," they both blurted out at the same time, then laughed awkwardly.

"I'll miss you, Artemis," Dick said finally, "Go kick butt at your grad program."

"I will," she promised. "I'll miss you too. I'll – I'll email you. Send you photos. You better reply."

"You know I will," she can imagine him grinning on the other end of the line. "We can Skype too, if you want. You can show me your new apartment."

"Yeah. Yeah, I'd like that," she was tearing up, and ever so grateful that he couldn't see her right now.

"Good afternoon passengers. This is the pre-boarding announcement for flight AF023 to Paris..." She glanced at her watch, standing up.

"Listen, Dick, I've to board soon but I, I really love you. You're my best friend," she was amazed she managed to force out the words without sobbing. "And I'm really sorry I – "

"Don't apologise, 'Mis," Dick's voice was kind, almost soothing, but the catch in his voice when he said her name made it clear he was trying not to cry as well. "I love you too. Stay traught."

She never felt more like staying than at that moment. "Of course."

It was a fairly empty flight. She took her seat by the window and didn't stop staring out of it until after take-off, watching Gotham City get smaller and smaller _. Goodbye, Gotham_ , she thought. _Goodbye, America_. She thought, rather morbidly, of all the graves she was leaving behind. The remains of the people she loved still in coffins buried inside the soil. Her grandmother's. Jason's. Wally's.

She cried quietly for the first hour or two of the ride, and was glad the air stewardesses had to grace to ignore it. Perhaps they were used to it. She took out her laptop after the seatbelt sign was turned off and attempted to compose an email to Dick.

Three hours into the flight, it simply read:

_Dick,_

_I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry_

\---

The doorbell rang, and Dick opened the door to find Tim standing sheepishly on his doormat, an envelope in his hand. He passed it to his older brother, looking apologetic. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

Dick would recognize that handwriting anywhere. "How?" he asked, stepping aside so Tim could come in, staring at the envelope as if it would explode at the slightest agitation.

"She came by the mansion. She said I could only pass it to you after she left," Tim tilted his head. "Did something happen between you two?"

"Just a disagreement," Dick said.

\---

"I heard she knows now," M'gann said, as she sat beside him on a bench in the training room. "Barbara and Zee in the changing room," she added, by way of explanation. That was not the question on his mind.

"How did you know I-?" he asked, stunned. He'd thought all this while that the only people who knew of his feelings for Artemis were Barbara and Jason.

"It's not obvious, really," M'gann assured him quickly, "As a telepath, you soon learn to know what thoughts come with certain facial expressions. You are not as inexpressive as you hope you are sometimes."

"Batman remains unparalleled at that art," Dick said humourlessly.

M'gann looked sad, almost pitying. He did not appreciate pity, but it was difficult to scorn it when it came from M'gann, who was so kind she simply couldn't help but sympathize. "I'm sorry she doesn't feel the same way, Dick," M'gann bit her lip, "but everyone can tell she loves you a lot. Just not in the way you want her to."

"She didn't even tell me she was leaving." He wished there was a way that statement sounded slightly less pathetic, but there really wasn't.

"And yet," M'gann observed pointedly, "You seem to have already forgiven her."

Dick sighed, "No. I never blamed her in the first place."

\---

Paris was a dream. She'd lived in and visited beautiful cities, but there really was nothing like a lit-up Parisian street at night. She had begun taking pictures of random streets and buildings and trees because even they were beautiful, and looked like picture-perfect desktop backgrounds even if she had just pointed her iPhone camera in a random direction. An album on Facebook began to swell with photographs, and friends from Stanford and Gotham Academy began commenting, expressing their jealousy and their congratulations.

She made plans to go out and discover Paris on her own, looking up the Paris Metro system and figuring out how to get to all the places her grandmother had told her about – the Palace of Versailles, Notre Dame, the Arc de Triumph – and all the places she and Wally had hoped to go to – the Musee d'Orsay, the Cité des Sciences et de l'Industrie, the Champs Elysees. She bought French versions of books she'd already read in English, visited different patisseries, took long walks in sprawling gardens. Beautiful as everything was, it was difficult to look around and not imagine Wally's reaction, or instinctively look for souvenirs Jason would enjoy. She soon grew used to her newfound solitary lifestyle, though it was impossible not to feel lonely when staring out of dark subway windows, walking down a street alone amongst couples, or in the sudden lack of quiet right after a Skype phone-call.

Though she tried to walk wherever she went, or at least take the train, she somehow managed to find herself caught in the rain one evening, the last Friday before she was to start school, the wind too strong to even attempt to use an umbrella. She reluctantly flagged down a taxi and gave directions to her apartment, resisting the urge to wring out her soaking hair in the taxi. The cab driver looked at her from the corner of his eye and asked, with a watered-down accent, where she was from. She recognized the accent immediately. He was Vietnamese.

"The United States," she told him, smiling despite herself, "But I'm part Vietnamese. Are you from Vietnam, sir?"

"Yes, many years ago," he glanced at her, his expression kindly, "I'm sorry, but do you speak Vietnamese?" She told him she did, and that seemed to open him up immediately. He asked her why she had moved to Paris, what she was studying, how her mother wound up in the United States, and she answered gladly, realizing she was having her least superficial conversation in a long time.

"How did you come to France?" she asked finally, and he answered without missing a beat. He and his family were refugees from the Vietnam War, but their boat had capsized, leaving him the only surviving member of his family. He was eventually rescued at sea, and an uncle paid for his ticket to France but nothing more. He quickly got a job washing dishes in a restaurant, and after a few years, tried to put himself through college. He eventually graduated and tried to find a job fixing computers, but after the dot-com bubble, found himself a taxi-driver instead.

It was a long story, and she listened carefully to his fluent Vietnamese, remembering the times her mother had told her stories about her own childhood in Vietnam. She rarely interrupted him, but tried to show she was listening and interested. When he finally finished his story, they had arrived at her apartment, and she paid the fares with a generous tip. "That was a… great story, sir. Thank you for telling me."

He smiled at her, his lined face full of kindness and something like understanding. "In the end, all pain fades to nothing but a story." They said their goodbyes, and she got off the cab thinking about how she had to tell her mother about their meeting over the phone soon.

She suddenly wondered why he had told her all of that. Maybe it was because she looked so pathetic, bedraggled and soaking and new in an impossibly huge and gorgeous city, and he had wanted to cheer her up, make her feel less alone. Or maybe he had felt lonely, even after thirty years in a foreign country, without the family he was meant to have built a new life with. _Who knows who most needs companionship_ , she thought.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Part Three**

There was not a lot of difference, Artemis reflected, between archery and lab work. They both required practice, patience and extremely steady hands. The hours her father had made her shoot arrows at a variety of targets had trained her for hours sitting in the same chair, staring at nerve cells through a microscope eyepiece, her hands delicately and surely inserting a delicate glass electrode into the cell nuclei. In fact, she probably would never have gotten into science if she hadn't been firing projectiles in elementary school science class one day and suddenly realizing that if she figured out the physics of this whole thing – beyond the ridiculously simplified versions they learnt in class – she could apply it to her archery and maybe her dad would cut her some slack. Well, he didn't, but she learned she was great at Physics, and also Chemistry, and Biology.

It was Wally that had introduced her to research. In fact, his scientific mind was one of the things that she'd admired most about him when they first met. He could have played a real sexist jerk at the time, but there was no denying his brilliance. When they became friends, sort of, and he discovered she'd never done actual lab work, he made her promise to sign up for a mentorship program at her school. As it turned out, Gotham Academy had an outstanding science lab, and she found she did not mind the repetitiveness or the long hours as much as she thought she would. She was used to it.

Now she was here, at the research program of her dreams, and she couldn't even talk to the one who'd introduced her to this entire world about it, couldn't spend lazy night-ins comparing the new lab with the one they'd worked in back at Stanford, gush over state-of-the-art equipment, speak in awe about professors sure to be the institute's next Nobel Laureate. So instead, she emailed Dick a week into the program, and two months after she'd first arrived in Paris. She attached photographs of the tourist attractions she'd visited, wrote long and detailed descriptions about her work and her colleagues.

She wrote an entire paragraph about how difficult it was to break into a team of researchers so used to working with each other like a well-oiled system of machinery and how while everyone was nice to her, it was difficult finding her place on the team, but deleted it once she finished. Dick, charming, likeable Dick, did not need to know about her various and sundry social problems. They were things she would only have told Wally before. She tried writing to Dick about how much she wished Wally were around for her to talk about her research to – surely Dick missed talking to Wally as well – but she deleted that paragraph too. After all, apparently Dick had been in love with her for years, and now she knew it, would it come off as deliberately trying to make him jealous?

Zatanna was right. She really should have had that talk with him before leaving. Now with all that distance between them the problem was just going to dwell and fester beyond repair.

She ended up writing about some of her hopes for her research, trying not to get too technical, ideas that she'd only shared with her Professor before, and, almost as an afterthought, included that story about the Vietnamese cabdriver she'd met a few weeks ago. She sent off the email, suddenly feeling closer to Dick than she had in weeks, and though it reminded her of all the problems that awaited her at home, she felt better.

\---

A month. That was how long it took for things to feel right with the people in her lab. She had gotten along with them fine the whole time, lunch time awkwardness was kept to a minimum and they had, on occasion, chatted about their personal lives but today was the first time she felt like a part of the team. Six of them had spontaneously decided to go out for dinner and then drinks at a little pub after work, and in the midst of the chattering and joking Artemis felt suddenly like she was amongst friends. After weeks of suppressing the ache of homesickness, it was the most welcome feeling in the world.

She got back home pretty late, and found that she had a missed call from Barbara. Normally she would wait until the next morning before calling back, but she felt so awake she called Barbara straight away. She and Barbara didn't chat as often on the phone as she did with Zatanna or M'gann, so Artemis missed her friend.

"Hey Barb, sorry I missed your call earlier, I was out with some friends…"

"Oh that's okay! Wow, it must be really late there now, thanks for calling back."

They chatted easily, Artemis talking about the people in her lab and how her research was going, and Barbara shared news about the Team – how Jaime had gotten injured at the last mission, and how Cassie totally had a crush on Conner that thankfully M'gann found cute. It could only have been about fifteen minutes when there was a slight lull in conversation, and Artemis knew intuitively that Barbara was biting her lip, something she only did when she was not sure how to say something.

"Barb?" Artemis asked tentatively, immediately assuming the worst – had someone gotten badly injured on the team? Was it Nightwing?

Barbara laughed nervously. "It's really nothing, 'Mis. Just wasn't sure if I should tell you. Um," Barbara so rarely sounded unsure. "Dick's seeing someone."

And while she could have sworn she only loved Dick like a brother, and had only really thought of Dick in the past two months to agonize about how she was going to deal with the whole situation when she got back, there was no denying the fact that her heart dropped, and a hot flush involuntarily shot up her cheeks. "He is?" she kept her voice light, trying to sound excited about this new piece of gossip. "Who is it?"

"Yeah. Someone you know, actually. Bette Kane."

"Bette?" 'Just a freshman, ignore him' Bette? "Wow, how on earth did they meet?"

They chatted about Dick and Bette for a few minutes, before Barbara gracefully diverted the conversation to other topics, like when Artemis was coming back, and her own college studies. When they hung up, Artemis could have punched herself in the face. What the hell was that about? That sudden surge of… what, jealousy?

Dick had dated an impressive number of girls, and not all his dates had made complete sense to her - really, no one got it when he dated Raquel for three months, though the two were still amicable, so no one really minded. And if what Barbara had told her was true, and he had liked her since her senior year, he had dated numerous girls while apparently being in love with her. So why did it only matter to her now she knew?

Option one was that she was in love with Dick too, a thought she quickly perished. It was still too soon, and while she loved Dick, she wasn't _in love_ with him, she just wasn't. Option two made her feel almost nauseous: that she had grown possessive over him just because he loved her, was flattered of the attention and did not want to relinquish that claim over him. Yet how could that be, when she still thought everything would be much easier if he didn't love her, if he was just her brother and nothing else?

She sighed, drawing fingers slowly through long, slightly tangled hair. No longer feeling energized, she got ready for bed.

\---

"You're never gonna believe who I saw yesterday," Bette said, eyes bright with excitement, as she approached him. He grinned and handed her a coffee, which she accepted with thanks.

"Really? Who?" Dick asked, taking a sip from his own cup.

"This guy I had the biggest crush on when I was a freshman at GA," she laughed, "he was like, the sweetest guy on the football team. He was a senior and all, so I totally didn't have a chance, but jeez, he's gotten ever cuter, which I didn't even think was possible."

They walked through the streets of Gotham hand in hand, soft flurries of snowflakes gently landing in their hair and melting on their coats. "Sounds like quite a catch," Dick joked good-naturedly, "I'm starting to feel jealous."

"Relax, Dick," Bette was still laughing, clearly amused by her encounter, "Obviously I've gotten over him. I got over him sophomore year when this guy on the basketball team lent me his Geography notes. That's the thing about high school crushes, they rarely last over a year."

"Yeah," he said distractedly, feeling that familiar hand closing over his heart again. He thought about long blonde hair and grey eyes and the only girl who could make him feel the exact way he felt about his lost family: the feeling of never forgetting, never letting go.

"So, who did you crush on in high school? Anyone I know?"

"Just a girl totally out of my league," he grinned at her, "But now I don't even remember her name."

\----

"So I've been wondering if I should tell Artemis I'm dating Bette now," Dick told Barbara as he poured milk into his cereal while simultaneously fetching a large spoon from the drawer.

There was a short uncomfortable silence, but before Dick could ask what was wrong, Barbara admitted, "I actually told her about that awhile back…"

"You what?" milk splattered onto the kitchen counter, and Dick could imagine Barbara wincing, her face lit by the glow of her computers.

"Yeah, over the phone, about two weeks ago. I'm sorry, I just well, wanted to see how she was dealing with the whole… issue," Barbara confessed, sounding sheepish. "Sorry for jumping the gun."

Well he could hardly be upset at her when he was probably the one who'd taught her how to pry. He sighed, wiping the spilt milk off the table. "It's fine," he said, then frowned. "Wait, you told her two weeks ago?"

"Yeah. Sorry I didn't tell you-"

"No. That's fine. It's just… we've exchanged a few emails since then, she never brought it up."

"Oh. Well, she probably just didn't know how to. I mean, you can't really say, 'hey, remember how you've been in love with me without my knowledge for years? I hear you're dating one of my friends now. What's up with that?' in a polite way." Barbara really wasn't one for mincing her words.

"Haha," Dick deadpanned, unamused. "Well, what did she say when you told her?"

"She seemed surprised. She tried to cover up though, treat it like it was any other piece of gossip," Barbara sounded thoughtful. "I mean, I couldn't get much without actually reading her body language, and you know how she controls her feelings, but I guess she's… confused?"

"Confused. Is that good?"

"I don't know. You never know with Artemis."

 _Yeah_ , he thought, _you truly don't_.

\---

The moment it hit her was on a Friday evening. She was processing her data for the week, trying to spot trends that support her hypotheses and plan next week's work, when two of her colleagues come back from a tea break, chatting in voices energized from coffee.

"Did you hear Shinya Yamanaka is coming to the university? He's giving the keynote address for that event next week _and_ a talk on his research!"

"Of course I heard; my boyfriend and I had our tickets booked for his talk two weeks ago!"

The memory surfaced instantly: 2012, lounging in the TV room with Jason after a tough training when Wally skidded into the room pumping one hand into the air and cheering. She remembered his enthusiastic voice as he announced that Yamanaka and Gurdon had been named winners of the Nobel Prize for Physiology, how he began to deliver an unsolicited (and frankly, unnecessary) lecture on the importance of induced pluripotent stem cells, Jason's dismissive "Oh please, don't jizz your pants, West."

Artemis thought then that it was sad that Wally would never get to see Yamanaka speak in-person, and that she missed listening to Jason mocking Wally when he geeked out. She was about to move on to more closely examine some anomalous data when the realization ripped through her.

She'd always had difficulty believing that Wally and Jason were gone, permanently, well and truly gone. She may have known it, but she'd never really believed it or accepted it like she had in that last moment. Subconsciously, she must have gotten used to their death and now, realizing it, she felt like she was in a ship with an open airlock, almost being sucked into deep space.

To her abject horror she found herself tearing up, and quickly wiped the tears away, but not before catching the eye of Mr. Allemand, their no-nonsense lab technician. He blinked at her in surprise – they both respected each other for their determined, focused approach to their work – but said nothing. Artemis almost thought she'd gotten off the hook until her supervisor texted her an hour later asking to see her after work.

Professor Etienne Bouchaud was a petite woman in her early fifties, with curly pale blonde hair that reminded Artemis of pictures of women from the early 1900s and a mind sharp as a whip. She was always smiling and friendly, and demanded that everyone, from her superiors to the lab technicians, called her Etienne. She beamed at Artemis when she appeared at her office with her lab notebook in hand, and Artemis thought absently that Etienne must have embodied Fitzgerald's idea of a smile that made you feel one was irresistibly prejudiced in your favour.

Etienne had her give an update on her research, which Artemis did distractedly. She had just given her last update two days ago, which meant that Etienne had some ulterior motive here. Inwardly, she cursed Mr. Allemand for telling on her – it was the only possible reason for this impromptu meeting – and herself for breaking down at the lab, of all places.

Artemis figured Etienne was only half paying attention to what she was saying, and gave the briefest explanation she could. Finally, Etienne thanked her, before saying, "Mathias" – Etienne was the only person who got always with calling Mr. Allemand by his first name – "told me you seemed a little upset today. Are you alright?"

"Um, I'm fine," Artemis said, as airily as possible, "Just missed, um, my boyfriend. And my little brother."

"Hmm," Etienne seemed dissatisfied. You did not become a senior professor by being unobservant. "Surely you could call them, or email them? I know it's hard being away from them, but it's only a year, and you have to make do with – "

"They're dead," Artemis said abruptly, then flushed. Etienne stared at her, open-mouthed. "They, um, passed before I left."

"Artemis," Etienne's lilting French was sympathetic, and Artemis suddenly understood that Etienne knew she could've kept it a secret if she'd wanted to, but had to tell someone. "I'm so sorry."

Artemis had grown to detest the mandatory words of sympathy that came with every tragedy, no matter how sincerely they were spoken, but she did not move away when Etienne hugged her. She hugged back, and though she still felt a yawning chasm inside her, she felt for the first time that it was something that she could live with.

\---

Barbara was standing outside his apartment carrying two steaming cups of coffee. He groaned. "Barb, you didn't have to. I told you I was fine."

Barbara rolled her eyes. "What, a girl can't visit her oldest friend because she misses him so much?" She thrust a cup of coffee at him, and he accepted with little resistance.

"She can. But we both know that's not why you're here."

"I'm not here because of Bette, Dick," Barbara said, blinking at him innocently, "Though, now you mention it, how are you feeling about that?"

"Nice try," he said dryly, "Move on."

"Jeez, what a stiff. Anyway, there's a taxi downstairs with directions to a secret location. Wanna come on an adventure?"

After all those years, she still knew how to intrigue him. "Well, couldn't say no to that."

Barbara attempted to distract him with conversation, but that did not stop him from trying to deduce where they were going. "Stop trying," Barbara instructed firmly after the first ten minutes, "I've given him the most ridiculous route ever, so you won't guess for quite awhile."

She was right. But when he did guess, he turned to her with narrowed eyes and folded arms. "You're bringing me on an adventure to _Wayne Manor_?"

"How old are we this year?" Barbara's grin was wide and mischievous.

"What does that have anything to do with – "

"Answer the question, Grayson."

"We're twenty, and only about ten years too old to find Wayne Manor a suitable-" Realisation dawned on his face, and Barbara grinned, clapping her hands together. "Oh."

"Knew you'd get it eventually!"

After they'd arrived at the Manor and chatted with Alfred, they borrowed a small shovel and headed off to the back garden, Alfred promising to prepare some snacks and lemonade for when they were done. They found the old spot easily enough, and found the time capsule after about ten minutes of digging – for a couple of ten year olds, they had dug quite a deep hole.

Barbara wrenched the old biscuit tin out of the ground with long, dirt-stained figures and peeled off the plastic kitchen wrap they had mummified the box in. "Looks to be in fairly good condition," Barbara observed, almost nervously, once they had uncovered the actual tin.

Dick crouched beside her and they pried the lid off together, immediately bursting out laughing at the hotchpotch collection of items they had put together as children – a police investigator's badge Barbara had stolen from her father when she was upset at him but was later too afraid to give back, a Geography project they had worked on together, a pair of cufflinks from the first formal suit Dick owned, some shattered seashells from a school trip to the beach and a pair of ticket stubs from their first trip to the circus together.

Barbara unfolded the sheet of loose-leaf paper and read aloud from it, "'Dear Dick of the future, I hope you are less of a dick now'" – she winced, and said apologetically, "sorry, those jokes were still funny back then. Anyway, 'For your sake, I hope you're at least taller – like, a lot taller, taller than _some_ girls, at least, and that you've grown into those ears. I'm sure by ten years’ time you would have fulfilled your life-long dream of being such a dork you hacked into government computers or whatever, so if you did manage to get enough trouble that you had to be saved by Batman, tell future-me about that whole thing if you haven't. I won't laugh. Sincerely, Barbara.'" Barbara was gasping with laughter by the end of it. "God, I thought you'd grow up to be some nerd extraordinaire! I can't believe I ate up your whole nerd-totally-in-love-with-Batman act."

"In your defence, I played the part really well."

"Looked the part too, really. Anyway, read yours!"

Dick opened his letter and cleared his throat. "Dear future Barbara, I know we promised to write letters to each others' future selves, but look, guess I trolled you again. Love, Dick. P.S. Hopefully by then you know better than to tackle me."

"You – God, I can't believe I just got trolled by a ten-year-old Dick Grayson," Barbara punched him on the shoulder. "And 'you know better than to tackle me'? You really thought that you'd be able to take me in a fight?"

"Well, I didn't know you were going to become Batgirl, did I?" Dick defended himself, "And for the record? I definitely could."

There was also a small stack of glossy photographs of them that they sifted through together, laughing at the faces they made at the camera, reminiscing about places they had almost forgotten visiting.

"These were all taken before I met any of them," Dick said between photos, and the sad smile Barbara gave him indicated she'd realized long ago, before she'd dragged him to dig up the time capsule, even. He had been so small back then, so ridiculous with that slick-backed hair and too wiry frame. Dick remembered his first year as Robin, back when every mission was just _asterou_ s and he had so much fun he just couldn't stop laughing.

Barbara took his hand like she used to when they were children and squeezed it. "You can almost feel it," she said, looking up at the cloudless blue sky, "summer coming."

\---

As her flight was scheduled for a Saturday, a few people from work, including Etienne, came to send her off. As she was the only non-French student, they had thrown her a small going-away party the day before, and even Mr. Allemand had grudgingly said an almost sentimental farewell.

Etienne hugged her as she prepared to check-in. "I do believe will see each other again, Artemis."

"Of course, Etienne. It's been great working with you."

The three others hugged her and kissed her on both cheeks, murmuring goodbyes and promises to keep in touch. As she headed to the check-in counter, it surprised her how she felt less sad then she thought she would be. Sure, she was going to miss this place, but it was, though cliché, always nice to return home.

The sentiment, however, left her almost instantly the moment she stepped out of the baggage collection area and realized what her welcoming-back party had done. She'd feared the worst, thought they would have gone with embarrassing party hats and loud, raucous cheers upon her arrival, but clearly she had underestimated the combined evilness of Barbara and Zatanna.

She hadn't seen Dick in a little over a year, and he did not look much changed, just a little tired. She sighed, thanking God that he had at least not brought Bette along. While she and Bette got along well, all that confusion would just have been too overwhelming for someone who had just sat through an 8-hour flight.

He waved at her when he caught her eye and smiled, the kind of smile that she supposed would have made her worries evaporate instantly in a perfect world. Instead, she only swallowed, pasted a grin on her face, and approached him. He automatically took her bag and she punched him lightly on the shoulder, as she had often done when they were much younger. Perhaps none of them were really in the mood for hugging, or maybe that much physical contact was an undeclared no-man's land. "Hey, Dick. What happened to Barb and Zee?"

"Yeah, good to see you too, Artemis," he said, rolling his eyes, though he was still smiling slightly. "They are inexplicably indisposed today."

"Ri-i-ght," she said, half-sarcastically, and they both laughed, though they knew that was nowhere even close to her wittiest repartee. She cringed inwardly at the awkward silence that descended. She'd hoped her reunion with Dick would not be as awkward as this, almost expected it after how they'd managed to chat normally over emails for a year. But that was no replacement for face-to-face contact, and now with his company sprung on her she felt at once both lost and nervous.

"I suppose you must be hungry," Dick said conversationally, as if he had not picked up on how tense the situation was, and Artemis was reminded just how socially inclined the heir to the Wayne fortune was. Well, at least that made one of them.

"Yeah!" she replied, and at once wanted to pinch herself for the overtly high-pitched, falsely enthusiastic syllable she just uttered. "Uh, yeah, the airplane food was just revolting."

"Excellent. I know just the place."

Barely an hour later, Artemis found herself in a charming little Italian Bistro that claimed to sell the best pizzas in Gotham City. Artemis had gone for dinner with Dick and Wally before, and Dick had always insisted on bringing them to fancy restaurants with Michelin stars and celebrity chefs and all. The fact he was bringing her to a family-style restaurant was clearly by design – he did not want to make her feel uncomfortable by making her think this was a date.

"So, how was Paris?" Dick asked, once they had ordered their food.

"It was great; I loved the program there, and I worked under an amazing professor, Etienne – I told you about her. And Paris is a beautiful city, and it was nice having a change…" Artemis trailed off, and looked at Dick sheepishly. "I'm not sure what to tell you without sounding repetitive, I mean, I told you about most of it in my emails."

"Sure," Dick shrugged, as if it didn't matter that she had given a lacklustre answer, or he hadn't been interested in knowing anyway. Quietly, he asked, "Why didn't you tell me?"

Great, they'd gotten to the serious conversation portion of the evening. She had gone through explanation after explanation in her head when she was leaving Paris, trying to find the best possible phrasing to answer the question she knew would inevitably be asked, but now, though her perfectly crafted reasoning was on the tip of her tongue, she couldn't say it. "I don't know. I couldn't, I, um," he was looking at her encouragingly, as if she was saying this for her own benefit and not his, and frustration immediately rose within her. "I just needed to go, and I knew you'd try and stop me," she said finally, resisting the temptation to fold her arms and huff.

"I see."

He was acting so perfectly cool, almost slightly disinterested, and that irked her. Two could play this game. "How's Bette, by the way?" she asked innocently, though she had never mentioned to him that she knew about their dating. She barely cared at this point.

"We broke up about a month ago," Dick said evenly, as he buttered his roll. "We're staying friends, though."

Artemis ignored the tiny lurch her heart made and schooled her face into the perfect expression of concern. "But you guys only dated for… four months?" Dick nodded. "Why – I mean, what happened?"

"Well, you know. It just didn't work out. The same thing that always happens. Anyway, it was great, just that we weren't as compatible as we thought, I guess. I'm pretty glad to just be friends."

She bit back the teasing remark that pre-fiasco Artemis would have made – Dick, if he had really been in love with her for years, probably did not need her calling him a dog, especially since that was usually Wally's line. She had never really agreed with the description, anyway. Though Dick did date a lot of women, he always did care a lot about them and was a perfect gentleman to them. She had played along when Wally teased him about it just because it had been amusing then. "I'm sorry to hear that," she said, as genuinely as she could muster.

"Nah, don't be. It was for the best."

There was a short lull in conversation as the waiters served their meals, and Artemis was glad he had brought her here. She strongly doubted she would've appreciated caviar and foie gras right after a long flight, but steaming hot spaghetti carbonara was just perfect. They had just started to dig in when Dick suddenly said, "I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Bette."

Well. That was neither here nor there. She blinked, "Oh. It's okay, uh, Barb told me about it, so…" she trailed off. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you I knew? I guess I should've-"

"We both should've." He caught her gaze for a moment, before she looked down at her pasta.

"Yeah," she looked up at him, and was surprised to see him smiling. Disarmed, she said, "What?" then immediately cringed at how blunt she sounded.

He shrugged, and took a sip of his water. "Nothing. I'm just glad you're back. I missed you."

He still loved her, she realized, in the way she didn't love him (or at least, it was a strange mess in her head that she didn't like to think about). She wondered how she had missed it all these years, and simultaneously wondered how he could have, when she had thought all along that she was insecure and endlessly complicated and could only be loved romantically by Wally, who understood what it was like to work every second to project an image of confidence while being vulnerable and self-doubting on the inside. "I missed you too," she said, trying not to bite her lip.

\---

He called Barbara the moment he got home, as she had made him promise to. "Hello?"

"Hey, Dick. How did it go?"

He slumped down on his sofa and kicked off his shoes, sighing. "It was… I don't know. I'm still not sure if you did me a favour or not."

"Ouch. Not great, then. You don't sound too upset, though," Barbara observed. Through the phone, he could hear the mechanic click of her typing come to a stop.

"Well, we did have a fairly nice time. It was strange seeing her again, and we didn't breach anything serious but at least, well, I don't think she hates me and never wants to talk to me again."

"Of course not. She's your friend, Dick. She won't jeopardize your friendship for the world."

"Yeah. I know. I still have no clue how she feels though. I think she doesn't either. Whether that's good or bad, I've no idea."

Barbara hummed into the phone. "Yeah. I'm sure she's conflicted. You're going to have to have that talk though, sooner or later. You've already put it off for like, a year."

They talked for a while more before hanging up, and Dick fixed himself a bowl of cereal, more out of habit than hunger. He felt slightly better, talking to Barbara always had that effect, but no less confused about what to do. He wished, more than ever, that there was some way to simply switch off his feelings for Artemis. He had hoped at the start that they would fade with time, or as it became more and more clear that Wally and Artemis were going to be extremely happy together for a very long time. But his feelings never wavered, even as he dated other girls he did genuinely like, or when Wally's plans to propose to Artemis became more and more concrete, or even when he didn't get to see her for a year. What was the line? _Like the eternal rocks beneath, a source of little visible delight, but necessary._

He and Artemis had communicated via email almost exclusively while she was away, except for one time when she called him out of the blue. He was so surprised when he saw her name on the caller-ID he had almost dropped his phone, which, for him, was a big deal. They had chatted normally, as if she was not in another continent and like nothing happened, until at the end when he blurted out, "I miss you," then immediately cringed at how those three words had sounded too much like a plea to be casual. It was obvious, probably even to Artemis, that those words were substitutes for the three he couldn't say.

"I miss everyone," she had said in response, unsure and tentative. They said goodbye almost right after, and there were no phone calls after that.

\---

Artemis walked out of her bedroom the next day and found Jade sitting at her dining table, casually sipping a cup of tea as if she had every right to do so. "Jade," she said, as calmly as she could, "What a surprise."

"Why, hello, little sister," Jade said pensively, as if she had been meditating over Artemis' best chai tea. "I love this tea you have here. Parisian?"

"Yes. A gift from my supervisor, actually, so thanks so much for asking permission."

"Don't be so sarcastic, Artemis, it isn't becoming."

"While breaking and entering is perfectly becoming," Artemis deadpanned, then sighed, "Sorry sis, just way too early for a house-call."

"Am I to blame? My favourite younger sister didn't even tell me she was coming back from Paris after a whole year," Jade pretended to sound wounded, "How was I supposed to know when was a good time to drop by?"

"Well, you must admit, Jade, you aren't the most contactable person around," Artemis grumbled, as she stuck some bread in the toaster without offering Jade any, then settled down opposite her sister and buttered her toast as if she had a grudge against it.

"Hold on, little sis," Jade said suddenly, before twirling a sai sword in one hand and reaching it across the table, lifting the chain that was exposed around Artemis' neck to the light. "Is that what I think it is?"

Artemis met her sister's eyes levelly. "Yes."

"Did he give you that? Before?"

"I found it a few days after," Artemis said quietly.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Jade asked, then held her hands up in surrender at the look on Artemis' face. "Okay, okay. I'm sorry. Artemis, are you still-"

"If you're asking if I still love him, of course I do."

Jade cursed under her breath. "Artemis, why do I get the feeling you're not coping with this as well as you say you are?"

"I'm coping just fine, thanks, Jade."

"Artemis."

She sighed. Jade was trying, in her annoying, obtrusive way, to help. "I just miss him."

"Missing him is okay. Wearing that ring around, like that? Artemis, do you actually consider yourself engaged to Wally, still?"

"I'm not an idiot, Jade, I know how unhealthy that is," she played with the chain distractedly. "I just can't let go of him. Not yet."

Jade frowned, but seemed content enough with her answer. "How about that boy? The second Boy Blunder?"

"Jason? I still feel terrible about that. He was too young. They were both too young," under the table, Artemis clenched her fists, digging her nails into her palm. "He was practically my younger brother. I should have taken better care of him."

In the morning light, Jade looked tired. "You're always going to think that."

Artemis worried her lower lip. "Can you just tell me one thing, Jade? You remember Grandma?"

Jade laughed, "Sure I remember her. Made mom's and my life hell for a few years. How's she even related to this?"

"Do you know why she," Artemis swallowed, "why she loved me?"

Jade furrowed her brow, confused. "That thing Dad used to go on and on about? He was probably just being Dad, y'know, screwing with your head."

"Answer the question."

"Well, I don't confess to know what went on in that crazy bat's head, but well, I guess you were different. We were all ruthless, basically, but you were unabashedly nice, well, relatively, and just _yourself_ no matter how much Dad tried to break you. Does that answer your question?"

"Not really."

\---

"Artemis, you're at a social event, not the execution of your firstborn child," Zatanna intoned, looking disapproving. "You could act a little more cheery."

Artemis was unconvinced. "I still can't believe you talked me into this," she grumbled.

"You've been going crazy with interviews and all, I thought you could use the distraction. I mean, you've been back a week and I've barely seen you because you've been busy all the time," Zatanna pointed out.

"And you thought you'd drag me to a Wayne fundraiser so I'd be so bored out of my mind I'd have no choice to give you my undivided attention."

"Mm, something like that."

"Huh. Wait, something _like_ that?!"

"Oh, hi Zee, Artemis. I didn't realize you guys had arrived," Dick said, stopping as he passed by. Artemis was forced to admit he did look amazing in that suit, but was distracted as she tried to glare a warning at Zatanna. _Zee, don't you dare_ , she attempted to say with her eyes.

 _Just watch me_ , said Zatanna's sparkling eyes. "We just got here! That reminds me, I must go find my cousin Zach now. Dick, keep Artemis entertained 'til I get back, alright?"

Artemis didn't even bother protesting. She glanced at Dick, who was trying to suppress a smile, probably having figured out Zatanna's game. She was not really one for subtlety, but Artemis supposed you would expect that from a professional stage magician.

"You look lovely, Artemis," Dick said suddenly, almost startling her.

"Oh. Thanks," she said, self-consciously looking down at her blue satin dress. She had planned on wearing the green dress she wore for every formal occasion, but both M'gann and Zatanna had protested and dragged her on an impromptu shopping trip. "Haven't been to this sort of thing for a while, you don't get much occasion to dress up when you're trying to churn out a masters thesis."

"Well, you're doing just fine," Dick said graciously, the picture of a perfect host. He accepted two champagne flutes from a passing waiter and smoothly handed one over to her.

They were both still laughing and chatting when Zatanna returned. "Well, I see you guys didn't miss me too much," she said, almost too pointedly.

"Don't be silly, Zee," Artemis said quickly, but really, she was having too much fun to be defensive. It was nice just talking and joking with Dick again, she couldn't deny that.

"Well, you can take over the Artemis-sitting now, Zee. I should go talk to some of the guests that just came in," Dick excused himself, gesturing at the crowd of socialites dressed to the nines that had entered while they had been chatting.

Zatanna linked her arm with Artemis' and guided her towards where some of their friends from the team were standing. "That wasn't too bad, was it?" Zatanna asked, not trying very hard to suppress the glee in her voice.

"No, it was nice."

"Hey, ladies, what were we talking about?" Barbara appeared, linking her arm with Artemis' as well.

"That _nice_ chat Artemis was having with Dick just now," Zatanna teased.

" _Oooh_ ," Barbara joined in, sounding thrilled.

"Jeez, how old are you guys? You sound like we're back in high school," Artemis grumbled.

"What about high school?" M'gann said, turning as the three approached the group. "Oh, Artemis! You look amazing!"

The subject was changed easily, and Artemis begrudgingly admitted that she did have a lot of fun catching up with her old teammates, and of course, the many compliments she got were nothing to complain about. Sure, she did occasionally have to chat with pompous young businessmen or uppity ladies of leisure, but the experience didn't sour her evening too much.

Dick only appeared again nearing the end. "Oh, hi, Artemis. Were you just about to leave?"

"Kind of, it's sort of been a long-"

"You wanna get a coffee or something first? I could send you home after."

His voice was casual, but Artemis could hear the slight tenseness in his speech. "Um. Sure," she said without thinking, startling even herself. Careful not to look Zatanna, Barbara and M'gann in the eye, she picked up her purse. "See you soon, girls."

She could hear her friends, even Conner and Kaldur, twittering behind them as they left. Tim, looking dashing in his suit, raised an eyebrow as he saw them leaving, but said nothing. "So, isn't it bad manners for a host to leave so early?" Artemis said lightly, as they waited for Dick's car at the valet parking station.

"Not when he has a migraine," Dick grinned.

"A migraine? You look just fine."

"Was that a compliment?"

"No, it was a criticism of your acting ability," Artemis pretended to huff, as she got into the car. "Also, where are we going?"

"Mm, you'll see."

Artemis expected him to take her to some out-of-the-way café that somehow opened late into the night, but was quiet enough for them to talk freely. This was it, after all – the big talk they'd been putting off for ages. She tried desperately not to panic, after all, she was ready for this talk. And if she wasn't, she owed it to her best friend to be. However, she was slightly thrown off when she found herself with two steaming cups of take-out coffee, sitting on the ledge of a rooftop overlooking Gotham City. "Wow. Are all your dates this unconventional?"

"We're on a date?" Dick raised an eyebrow at her, grinning, but in a guarded way that made it obvious he knew the answer. "Anyway," he said, before Artemis' inability to come up with an appropriate answer made things too awkward, "I thought this place was… fitting."

She looked around, realizing suddenly that this was the rooftop where she'd called him out on following her, her last night in Gotham. It was where they should have had the conversation they were going to have now. "It is," she said quietly, patting the spot beside her. He sat, sipping at his coffee. "So let's talk."

"I'm sorry," he said finally. "For what happened that night."

"It was kind of my fault too," she admitted. "I'm sorry."

"It wasn't how I wanted you to find out," he continued, as if she hadn't spoken. "I'd never intended on you finding out at all, really, but since you do now, I – I want to be able to tell you properly. I've been in love with you for well, years, but I can't lose you over this, not again. Without Wally and Jason, I just really need you around and I've missed you so much," he broke off, and sounded like he wanted to continue, but couldn't say any more.

"I'm sorry," she repeated, because it seemed suddenly like the only thing to say, "I'm sorry. I know losing them was something that happened to both of us. I shouldn't have left like that, but I –"

"It's okay. Let's just be honest with each other now, okay?" he looked at her, and when she nodded, continued, "I can handle us being just friends, as the cliché goes. But I need to know first – do you feel anything for me, like what I feel for you?"

"I don't kn-" _I don't know_. That was the immediate answer that she forced down, and the realization of what she was about to say made her flush. "I don't love you the way you want me to," she amended quickly.

He looked sceptical, but she could see there was more hope in his expression than she had seen before, and wanted to punch herself. "That's not what you were going to say."

"Dick," she said, almost pleadingly, "you know I love you."

"I know that. But that's not what I asked," he stood up, not looking at her. "But it's okay," he said, probably more for his own benefit than hers. "Let's go. It's late." He turned around and extended a hand to help her up, which she, after the slightest hesitation, accepted.

\---

The thoughts come to her intermittently throughout the day, a pressing weight at the back of the mind that occasionally rose up and flooded her with a mixture of dread and fear and something akin to numbness. This was not the way it should have gone, she thought glumly, as she weighed a bag of potatoes at the supermarket. This whole thing should have been resolved at their much-awaited talk.

Artemis dropped off the groceries at her apartment, and sunk down in her sofa before standing up and pacing around her house. She had meant to run so many errands today, but it was a dull, hot day that made her restless to her very core. It reminded her of sweaty summer days at the beach by Mt. Justice, running around in bathing suits with beach balls and scented sunscreen. Today, the memories clung to her like ants swarming over a plate left unwashed overnight and she wanted nothing more than to shake them off, shake off the memory of Wally sunbathing whilst reading the Feynman Lectures, or Jason accidentally knocking over Kaldur's sandcastle while chasing after a Frisbee.

She changed into a tank-top and comfortable shorts, picked up her iPod, some cash and her keys, and left for the park. It was a good day for a run, like those California summers Wally made her wake up every morning at 5.30 to jog with him. It had amused her so much to watch him attempt to hide his impatience when she clearly could not match up with his superhuman pace. She was a great runner though, it had always annoyed Jason that she could always keep pace with him even after he had gotten taller than her.

Being Sportsmaster's daughter, she had been raised to find exercise therapeutic, and though she and Jade had tried all their lives to reject their father's rhetoric, a good run always did help take her mind of things. No such luck today, though. Images flew through her mind, throwing up memories and thoughts she did not need but could not get rid of: her grandmother's hands on hers as she guided her in shooting a target, her sister pushing her out of the way of an avalanche, her mother's old tea set, the strength and promise in Wally's arms as he had picked her up that first New Year's. She thought about the first time she saw M'gann and Conner and realized they were together, wrapping her arms around herself as Dinah attempted to counsel her in the aftermath of the train-for-failure exercise, the expression on Kaldur's face in the early days of the team when he cast his eyes towards the sea.

She did not know how her consciousness formulated these thoughts and threw them at her, but they made her run harder than she had in her life, feet pounding the pavement with far more force than necessary. Did she looked crazed, did people cast strange looks at her as she ran past them? She did not care. She was running from something inside her own mind that was slowly gnawing its way out.

The sun was scorching, possibly even making her delirious. She saw in her mind, suddenly, her mother in prison gathering the courage to keep the husband she still loved away from her daughter, her grandmother braiding her hair and swinging a small bag over her shoulder as she prepared to leave Paris for the States, and before she could stop it, she saw Dick, nine years old on the ledge of a Gotham rooftop, releasing a grappling hook and then, for the first time since he watched his parents die, jumping.

Falling was such a strange and spectacular feeling, everything would be normal until the instant the world spins around you and you find yourself crashing to the ground, quite literally brought to your knees. She barely had time to yelp and attempt to break her fall before the asphalt was digging into the skin of her palms and knees.

"Are you okay?" asked a green eyed little boy with curly brown hair as he toddled over her, his shoes squeaking as he walked.

"Yeah," she replied, getting up and dusting herself off. She only had slight abrasions, in fact, she wasn't even bleeding; she'd been through much worse. "I will be. Thanks."

She was glad she had brought money, because she knew what she had to do now. Even the sun, though it was boiling, suddenly seemed encouraging. She did not even realize how stupid and impromptu she was being when she found herself on his doorstep, knocking. The first thing that made her question her ridiculous, heat-inspired decision was the widening of his eyes when he opened the door and caught sight of her, all dishevelled from the exercise.

Artemis steeled her nerves. "Can we talk?"

"Um, sure," Dick said, opening the door wider. "Come on in, make yourself at home."

Dick's apartment wasn't particularly different from the last time she had seen it – and it was difficult not dashing out of the room the moment she remembered exactly, in vivid detail, what had happened the last time she was here. That had been wrong then, she tried to tell herself, but now it was something that had to be dealt with.

"So," Dick said, after she had waved away his offer of a drink, "You wanted to talk?"

"Um, yeah. I – well. Hmm. I got a job," she said, then dug her fingernails into her palms, shaking her head. "No. Okay. That was not what I wanted to say."

"Well. Congratulations?"

"Thanks," she said, sighing. "Okay. How to do this. Um, in our senior year, Wally and I used zeta to visit Stanford, y'know, check out the grounds and all. We didn't manage to get a tour and all, but we found this map, and we just – just got lost on the grounds. Looking at labs and lecture theatres and gardens and the quad and just walking until we got so lost and it was late, then we found our way back with the map. And 'til – 'til now, it's always been how I've seen love, someone you could just get lost with for ages and not mind. But I've always known you were someone I'd love to get lost with, so with this whole – I just didn't know what this means for us."

He was looking at her not with confusion like she had expected, but with so much light in his eyes it seemed that it would break her heart. He seemed almost amused. "That was how I knew, you know – your stories."

"Knew?"

"How I knew I was in love with you," he clarified, "That time I dropped by your house after you adopted Jason as your brother. You told me that thing about your sister. And then later, when I um, I sorta eavesdropped on you telling Wally about your grandmother. It was like I could find out everything that was out there about you, but you had to give me those little pieces, and every time I got something new it was like discovering something different about you, or an explanation to something I'd known about you all awhile – how much family meant to you, or how unfamiliar you were with talking about your feelings."

Artemis had never given much thought to why Dick was in love with her, seeing it as some effect of propinquity, or the assumption that their amazing friendship could lead into an amazing relationship, or even the kind of hero-worship directed at those a few years older than you. But this was different, and more than anything she expected – he saw her as a person, imagined her in the complex way she knew she was but was afraid to show, saw her insecurities and fears and strengths and loves not as separate layers to be distilled but the meshing that underlay who she was. He saw it all at once and he loved her for that. How could he? And had she even afforded him the same treatment?

She remembered the image she had seen in the park, the thought of him leaping off the roof for the first time as Robin, then imagined a fifteen-year-old boy eavesdropping on her awkward declaration of love to his best friend and somehow finding in that awkwardness something that could be loved for years, remembered the different girls he had dated over the past few years and how he had loved them too – he really had the biggest capacity for love of everyone she knew.

He must have seen the change in her face, if it in any way reflected the change in her heart – something at once seismic, yet subtle, both a realization of what had been pushed deep down and the quiet melding of something new. "I love you," she said, her voice soft, yet sure. Words she had said to him before, in a different context, with a different meaning. But he understood.

She half expected his face to light up, but it didn't; the look in it was something slightly different, yet something she had seen before. Artemis remembered looking up during their final performance as the Dangers at Haly's Circus, and seeing Dick's expression as he waved at the crowd before his leap. It was the expression of someone rediscovering what he had been born to do. "You know I love you."

\---

She had barely managed to shrug off her lab-coat, wash her hands and dash out of the laboratory to the nearest zeta-point when she got the phone call. Dinah and Ollie were already sitting in the waiting room when she got there, looking helpless. They both rose when they saw her running down the hospital hallway.

"Where is he? Is he awake yet?" Artemis said breathlessly, eying the closed hospital door. "Can I see him?"

"He regained consciousness for a minute or two earlier, but he's sleeping now. Doctor says he needs to rest, let his body heal," Ollie explained.

"So, he's stable now? Can I – "

"Artemis," Dinah said firmly, "his family wants to be with him now. Alone."

 _But I'm his family_ , Artemis wanted to say, _just ask Dick, or Barbara, or Tim_ , but instead she nodded and sat down, folding her arms. Ollie looked sympathetic, but said nothing – likely, they were reeling with as much shock as she was.

It couldn't have been more than fifteen minutes later, but when Barbara cracked the room door open, Artemis jumped up immediately. "Barb? What's – "

"Come on in, Artemis," Barbara said quietly. Her eyes were red and she looked hopelessly tired.

Bruce sat by the bed, holding his son's hand, with Dick behind him. Tim sat gingerly on the foot of the bed, looking extremely uncomfortable. Everyone looked up at her when she entered, and Dick opened his mouth to speak, but Artemis barely noticed. How could she, when the younger brother she had thought dead for over two years was lying in a hospital bed, breathing, broken, but oh so alive?

"Go sit by him," Barbara urged, and Artemis pulled up a chair by Jason's other side and took his free hand.

"Jason," she could only say, and it was all she could do to keep herself from crying. Not just because she had gotten her baby brother back, but also because – how would he deal with this? How did anyone deal with being dead one moment, then suddenly brought back to life?

Dick had approached her from behind and rested a comforting hand on her shoulder. She squeezed Jason's hand tighter. They felt so much like a family in that moment, and they would help him through this.

 _Everything is survivable, Jason_ , she promised him silently.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this story about five years ago, even before Season 2, and never really got that much feedback on it. I would really appreciate a review, if you have the time :) 
> 
> The title of this story is taken from One Art by Elizabeth Bishop, and it's such an amazing poem I would love to share it with all of you: 
> 
> The art of losing isn’t hard to master;  
> so many things seem filled with the intent  
> to be lost that their loss is no disaster.
> 
> Lose something every day. Accept the fluster  
> of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.  
> The art of losing isn’t hard to master.
> 
> Then practice losing farther, losing faster:  
> places, and names, and where it was you meant  
> to travel. None of these will bring disaster.
> 
> I lost my mother’s watch. And look! my last, or  
> next-to-last, of three loved houses went.  
> The art of losing isn’t hard to master.
> 
> I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,  
> some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.  
> I miss them, but it wasn’t a disaster.
> 
> —Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture  
> I love) I shan’t have lied. It’s evident  
> the art of losing’s not too hard to master  
> though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.


End file.
